Tag Archives: parents

Financial Health for Kids

Posted on February 15, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Some recent financial troubles in my home made me realize that I wanted to teach my children how to live life well by giving them the gift of financial health. By managing my own finances wisely, I could pass this valuable lesson on to my children. I needed to get my own affairs in order, first! After attending a financial health class, I remember painstakingly cutting up all of my credit cards and creating a list of debts to hang on the refrigerator. As I paid off each debt, I crossed it off. It was a visual for the entire family to see, and a very powerful tool.

I needed to do more than model for my children, though. There’s a Native American saying I used as a guide: “Tell me, and I’ll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and I’ll understand.”

By having my children work and get paid, I am involving them and teaching them about the value of saving and spending wisely. Our kids are now required to put 50% of any money they get from gifts, chores or other things into their own savings account. There was a lot of groaning at our house, at first, but in July I started to match what my children are putting into their accounts and they are excited to see their balances grow. Children of all ages can benefit from these kinds of activities!

Give 3-to-6 year-olds small, manageable chores. Instruct children to return their toys to a designated basket at cleanup time. At this age, pay them immediately. This provides instant positive reinforcement and young children are more willing to do the chore the next time. Small children learn to save and spend money with visual aids. Using a clear container for their money allows them to see savings go up as money goes in, and when spending their money, they see their money go down.

For 7-to-12-year-olds, a chore list with an assigned dollar value to the specific chores works well. At this age, pay day should be once a week when the work is completed. Older kids can also be given two envelopes to divide money earned between spending and saving.  Spending at this age fosters problem-solving skills because they learn to spend their earned money differently than money just given to them.

Which isn’t to say that some chores aren’t completed without pay! My kids are part of our family and expected to contribute, but I take advantage of the many teachable moments that are offered by compensating my children for performing some tasks around the house. And they’ve learned! When I use my debit card to pay for something instead of cash, my kids bust me every time. I can always rely on my children to be my financial compass, and I do the same thing for them. When they want to go out for dinner or buy something we can’t afford, like a new cell phone, we always look at their savings and our family budget. When the money’s not there, I love to blame it on the budget.

And when they ask me to put some more money in the budget? I tell them to head out back and shake the money trees in the yard! We were living paycheck to paycheck, but now we have a plan and we regularly see the results of our efforts as a family.

- Diann

Photo courtesy of Carissa Rogers.

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Validating Children’s Feelings

Posted on February 2, 2012 by | 6 Comments

As a family therapist I witnessed many children experience incredible losses and crises which often left them feeling sad, frustrated, angry and hopeless.  I have also had children in my everyday life feel disappointed or mad because they didn’t get a treat they wanted or feel sad or rejected because they weren’t invited to a friend’s birthday party. Regardless of the child or the situation, it is difficult to watch children deal with this range of “negative” feelings. Most parents want to protect children from feeling any pain. However, I must admit that I have learned that not only is it impossible to protect the children in my life from negative or painful feelings, it is often not as helpful as I would have hoped.

Years ago I had the honor of working with a very strong and resilient 5-year-old girl.  She had experienced incredible trauma in her life, compounded by her mother’s death. When I met her she was living in foster care and was beginning to feel safe enough to share the losses she had experienced in her very short life. She often became tearful as she shared her memories of her mother and expressed anger about her mother not being there for her. Her foster mother, who was a very caring and compassionate woman, would often try to soothe the child by offering explanations and words of comfort.  She would say things like, “Your mother is in heaven with the angels,” or “Your mother isn’t really gone, she is lives on in your heart.” The girl’s response?  “I don’t care – I want my mom!”

The foster mother’s attempts to comfort and remove pain had the opposite effect. What the girl wanted was comments that validated her feelings. Statements that reflected her feelings like, “You are sad because you miss your mom,” had much more of an impact than any attempts to protect her from her pain. When her feelings were accepted she would continue to share them and any acts of rage or yelling would cease.

We need to accept and allow children to express their full range of emotions. When we listen, we show children that their feelings are real and important. Accepting children’s feelings also doesn’t mean we have to accept every way their feelings are expressed.  Parents can validate children’s feelings without supporting negative behaviors that occur as a result, though this can be be quite tricky. As children’s behaviors escalate it is natural to want to redirect the negative behavior and “get the child under control.” What has worked for me is to first validate the feelings and then direct the behavior.  By doing this, the children in my life have felt heard and understood which has often resulted in a decrease in the negative behaviors.

No matter how hard it is to see a child upset or in pain, I have found that the best way to soothe and comfort is to accept how they feel.  Likewise I have found that the best way to respond to a happy child is to accept their joy and join in on their fun!

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of damejoys.

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Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Posted on January 10, 2012 by | 1 Comment

We often avoid the outdoors in winter, nestled by the fire with our hot cocoa and a good book. But think about what we’re missing! Outdoor play in the winter, when dressed warmly and appropriately, can be an adventure.

Don’t just build a snowman. See how creative your family can be! Try building a fort or an entire snowman family. Go sledding down the backyard hill. Or, just go for a walk to glimpse the beauty of icicles hanging in the tree branches. No snow?  Explore the different types of trees, and how differently they look in the winter. Go cloud gazing, pointing out the different shapes. Collect pine cones and make a bird feeder.  What kinds of animals do you see playing in the cold?

We all need to get outside to burn energy and use our muscles, and fresh air is a must all times of year! Studies have shown that contrary to the common belief that exposure to cold air causes us to “catch a cold,” it’s more likely that spending long periods of time in small, poorly ventilated areas is the culprit. In fresh, outdoor air, the chance for spreading infection is reduced.

Not only is outdoor time a good practice for families, it’s also good for children in child care situations. While adults that have to bundle up twelve preschoolers to take them outside for playtime may be grumbling as they look for hats and mittens, 4C early childhood specialists agree that the benefits are worth it!

It is up to the child care provider to monitor the weather conditions and make sure our children are safe but there are precautions that can be taken. Some states have even adopted a green, yellow or red guideline system for teachers to use when determining if it’s too cold for kids to play outside. I encourage you to ask how much time your children are spending outside in their child care programs!

So dress appropriately, hydrate yourself and your child and get out there and have some fun!

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Belzie.

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Posted in Family, Family Child Care, Parenting, Play

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Resolving to Be a Better Parent

Posted on December 21, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I can hardly believe 2011 is nearly over. I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions. My logic? Why waste the energy on something I know I have reneged on over the past several years. It did occur to me this year that I could resolve to do something that would benefit my children, like be a better parent in 2012! But how?

As I researched on how to demonstrate my best intentions, I found a series of questions on resolutions for parents. I was looking for answers, and here were a few things other parents hoped to accomplish.

Spend more time with my children. Aren’t they with me all of the time already? I drive them to practices, take them to church, to the grocery and on weekends we are doing activities or running errands together. My husband wonders why my car is always trashed.  Maybe because we live in my car!

Treat my children better. How does a mom do that? They have everything they need and a lot of stuff they don’t.

Demonstrate more love and kindness toward my children. More? I am overflowing with love and kindness. Maybe they can implement this one toward me?

Make sure my children are properly educated. Okay, I’m terrible at math and don’t remember my French, but I do help with homework most nights, provide them with trips to the library and have shelves overflowing with books.

It seemed to me after reading these few resolutions that I had already mastered everything about becoming a better parent. But then I read the last question.

“Why is making resolutions as a parent important to you?”

Parenting is ever-evolving and something we will never perfect, and that’s important to remember. We all have different parenting styles and at times it can be trial and error. Just as we are all different and unique, so is each of our children. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and while some days we may not feel appreciated, one day our children will recognize our hard work.

Maybe making a resolution as a parent this year isn’t such a bad idea after all. What’s yours?

- Debbie

Photo by Jonas Seaman.

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Little Moments

Posted on December 7, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I recently had the opportunity to attend a reading party with families from the West side of Cincinnati. This event was hosted by 4C for Children in collaboration with Read Aloud.org. The message delivered at the event was simple – parents can impact their children’s literacy and success in school by reading out loud. Parents who attended were encouraged to read aloud fifteen minutes per day with their children on their lap. During the event parents and children moved to different reading stations where a book was read and parents and their children participate in an activity that related to the book. Hopes were

that the stations would help parents see how reading aloud and interacting with their children through books benefits their learning and development.

Throughout the entire event, there was an air of excitement and joy. Parents and children eagerly moved to each reading station, listened to the story and together participated in an activity or craft. I watched one little boy learn to use scissors for the first time. After listening to a story about trucks, his mother helped him cut out a picture of a dump truck and glue it to a stick. Once done, the boy immediately jumped up, held his truck in the air and yelled,  “Look, I did it! I did it all by myself!”

At the next station I noticed a mother with her four sons. They listened intently to the story and were instructed to put a bus together. The mother gathered her sons at a table and had each child take part in putting the bus together. There was a sense of connectedness as they worked as a family, each doing their part, each waiting their turn and all working together.

So often we hear about what goes wrong in a family – the parents that struggle and the children who are harmed or who lose their way. Often parents are blamed for what they do wrong or are judged for the poor decisions they make. But at this event, I observed a lot of parents doing it right by taking the time to be in the moment with their children. Books and activities were not only used to improve their children’s literacy and learning – but as a way to connect.

At the end of the event, parents were encouraged to stand up and make a pledge that they would read aloud to their children each day. And I feel sure that many of the parents who came to the event will do just that. But I also think about the deeper learning that came out of that event: the importance of getting on the floor, being with your children and accomplishing a task together.  It may seem small to help a child use scissors for the first time or help children work cooperatively together, however, it is my opinion that it is in these very moments that we can each be the parent we really want to be.

- Carolyn

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Social Media – A New Parenting Issue

Posted on December 1, 2011 by | 2 Comments

I love the fact that I can get on Facebook and communicate with my very first college roommate that I haven’t seen in eons. I love that I can share a funny quote or words of encouragement to make someone’s day. But as a parent, the world of social media has led to a new realm of parenting issues. At what age is it okay for children to have their own Facebook account? How much should a parent monitor what is being posted by their child? Should parents accept invites to become Facebook “friends” with a friend of their child?

I often notice when viewing Facebook that some adults and children use social media to flaunt curse words or post inappropriate pictures. And I know it’s easy to get caught up in the writing and sharing but what are they thinking? I dare say they aren’t thinking at all or are not realizing the impact of these words and pictures. Facebook posts can often be a detriment to a career, court appearance, college entrance, or family member. Whether you like it or not, your roommate may not be the only one reading your Facebook posts. It may be a hiring agent looking at your profile to determine your character. It may be a potential client or someone you attend church with. It may be your mother! Imagine finding a profile picture of your 11-year-old kissing an older girl. What are your responsibilities as a parent? If that’s what the public is viewing, what’s happening in private?

And maybe that is part of the problem. With Facebook and other social media, there is often little privacy. Many children do not think through the consequences of sharing with the whole world.

Children aged seven to nine are starting to develop personal opinions and an increasing sense of right and wrong, but that doesn’t mean they are mature enough for a Facebook account. Their reasoning abilities and abstract thinking are still developing.

Moral development is also occurring over time. Parents who take the time to model caring behaviors themselves and discuss issues with children help create an atmosphere for open ended dialogue and a foundation of caring and respect. As a parent I monitor what my children say on Facebook. If I feel it’s inappropriate then I may post a comment to reprimand them “publicly,” or if it’s really inappropriate it gets removed. It may seem picky and minute but I would rather have my children act respectfully and abide by a tried and true principle: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Slide Gurtiza.

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Posted in Dads, Early Childhood, Moms, Parenting

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I Want a Cat for Christmas!

Posted on November 22, 2011 by | 3 Comments

Though it’s Thanksgiving week, my children, like many adults, have already made the leap to their Christmas wish list.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Only a few words in this novelty Christmas song have to be substituted to turn into my eight-year-old daughter Liv’s heartfelt plea for a pet. Here’s her version:

I want a kitty cat for Christmas
Only a kitty cat will do
No fruit bats or rats
I only like kitty cats
And kitty cats like me too!

Crazy as it sounds, these modified lyrics are based in reality. Last week while composing his Christmas list, Liv’s six-year-old brother added an illustration of a bunch of grapes next to the bat he’d drawn lest Santa become confused and bring him a vampire bat instead of the fruit bat he really wants.

But little brothers aren’t the only ones who are fond of creatures Liv will definitely leave off of her list. While I was dating their dad, Liv’s three big brothers had a series of rat pets, all named DKR, which was short for Dumb Killer Rat. Thank goodness the last one went to rat heaven (we suspect with a little help from Levi when he unwittingly fed him a rubber band) before our families blended.

Whether Levi had anything to do with the premature death of DKR III or not, the fact that he was suspect raises the question our family has been grappling with for over a year: Are my children ready for a pet? You see, though I’m no fan of rats, I can’t bear to see any animal, no matter how icky, suffer or be smothered. And my children smother animals (with excessive physical attention).

Two years ago, I adopted a sweet-natured male kitten. My kids were crazy about him. And because they were, they drove him crazy. Poor Rory was a gentle soul, but even he could take only so much. Occasionally, after he’d tried unsuccessfully to escape from their loving clutches, he’d resort to violence. To prevent them from being ripped to shreds, I had him declawed. Now he was completely at their mercy. When they didn’t show him much, his teeth became weapons. My warnings to the children about Rory going to a home where he wouldn’t be mistreated fell on deaf ears. But even if they’d listened, Rory eventually blew it with me. I understood why he was miserable, but that didn’t matter when he started spraying everything in sight. I’d had it with all three of them. Liv might like kitty cats, but that feeling wasn’t mutual with her first pet.

Besides “smothering” animals, there’s concern about the amount of responsibility involved in caring for a pet. Like the little girl in the hippopotamus song, Liv claims she will take excellent care of her coveted cat. And she probably would. Until the novelty wears off. Our reluctance stems from the way she keeps her room and the number of times we have to ask her to do things before getting compliance. The same goes for all of her brothers. Which brings me back to the heart of the matter: Are my children ready for a pet?

But how will they ever learn how to treat animals properly and learn to be responsible if they’re not given the opportunity? Sadly, I don’t have the answer. But my husband and I better figure it out because all my daughter reads, writes, draws and talks about is cats. As a matter of fact, the book she wants me to read to her class when I make my Mystery Reader appearance right before the break is The Christmas Kitten.

Hint. Hint.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha.

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Posted in Family Pets, Parenting, Siblings

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The Power of a Helping Hand

Posted on November 15, 2011 by | 2 Comments

You’ve probably heard the saying that “a kind word or a helping hand can go a long way.” For any of us who have ever been in need, we can testify that this saying is true. Krista Ramsey, a Cincinnati Enquirer columnist, recently wrote an article in response to the death of a local child due to abuse and neglect. Ms. Ramsey writes that “we can do more than mourn,” and challenges readers to their part to fight or eliminate child abuse. She contends that most abuse or neglect occurs during times of stress, when parents’ desperate attempts to meet the needs of their family fall short. Ms. Ramsey encourages us to reach out to an isolated parent, provide a kind word to a parent who is overwhelmed or share our own experiences with a parent who seeking some guidance. And I must say I agree with her.

Parent Cafés hosted in Cincinnati’s western communities provide parents with an opportunity to come together and share their worries, ideas and accomplishments. At these events I have witnessed the transformation of many parents. Parents who have felt alone, overwhelmed and devalued leave these events feeling connected, reassured and valued. And what is offered at these events is not a parenting curriculum; it is not tips of what to do or what not to do as a parent. Instead it is parents reaching out to each other. Parents sharing what has worked for them, what they need and what community resources they have found helpful. Each time I attend a Parent Café, I am astounded by parents who are caring, insightful and resourceful. Parents who are willing to give to one another and are also willing to reflect on what they will do differently in order to be the kind of parent they want to be.

I am sharing my experience with you not as a means to market Parent Cafés (although I do think they are fabulous!) but to demonstrate the power that a kind word or helping hand. Over the past few weeks, we have been flooded with images and descriptions of child abuse following the local death of 2-year-old Demarcus Jackson and the national attention on the sex abuse scandal at Penn State. Everyone has questions: How could an adult ever treat a child that way? How did others, aware of what was happening, not come forward? Why do these things continue to happen?

As with so many other tragedies, what is often the hardest to accept is the feeling of powerlessness that occurs in the aftermath. The feeling of hopelessness, that we as a society have not been able to eliminate these tragedies from occurring to our children. But Ms. Ramsey has it right: we do more than mourn. We are entering our holiday season, a perfect time to not only be thankful for what we have but to pay our gratitude forward. I can reach out to my neighbor who is lonely, I can offer a kind word to an overwhelmed parent in the grocery store and I can share my blessings with others. Maybe I cannot impact all of society but I can affect my piece of it, and I know for a fact that a kind word or a helping hand can go a long way. How about you?

- Carolyn

Photograph courtesy of sparky_vision.

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Posted in Family, Preventing Child Abuse

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Start a Conversation By Putting Down the Phone

Posted on November 9, 2011 by | 4 Comments

I often wonder what new contraption will be available to my kids five years from now. As it is, I can barely finish texting one reply to my child and I get three new messages!

And it’s not just my kids. I recently witnessed two very young children, maybe only 4 years old, playing with iPhones as they waited for their meals with their family at a restaurant. That seems way too young to me, not to mention my wondering what happened to family talk at the dinner table?

Meaningful human contact is necessary for children’s social and emotional development. Our babies enter the world craving social contact. You can observe this in the way their eyes follow you, the sounds they make and their social smile. When they become toddlers they imitate us as we (hopefully) model appropriate behaviors and emotions. If they don’t get that, how will they ever learn to self-regulate and have any emotional competence? I have seen many a teenager in today’s generation that does not know how to hold a conversation. How will they ever be able to hold down a job?

Dr. Bruce Perry of Early Childhood Today calls self-regulation the “second core strength.” He attests that attentive, caring adults respond to a child’s needs, and their responses provide stimulation that helps the brain develop the capacity to create and maintain healthy emotional relationships.

It’s obvious that phones and computers are a part of life now and that’s not going to change. But how can parents ensure that our kids are getting the nurturing they need in this world of technology? Instead of monitoring the computer, we are going to have to monitor ourselves! It doesn’t mean mom and dad can’t indulge in gadgets, but it does mean we have to be mindful.  Our children are emulating us and we need to practice what we preach. Let your kids see you turn off the computer and read a book. Instead of texting, talk to each other. Make time for family table talk. Endeavor to really communicate with your children and the next time you want to start a conversation, put down the phone.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of horizontal.integration.

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Posted in Dads, Early Childhood, Family, Moms, Parenting, Siblings

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“No” is a Love Word

Posted on October 20, 2011 by | 5 Comments

When my father-in-law was a guidance counselor, he kept the phrase I’ve used as a title for this blog as a reminder on his desk. Working with kids all day, and going home to eight of his own, I can see how that was probably necessary just to stay sane.

“No” is a love word. I like to think about the power of that sentence. So often we talk about being positive with our children and how telling our children “no” might hinder their self-esteem. But sometimes, a parent just needs to say “no.”

“No” can be said in a loving way, even though it’s hard for some of us to say it! We want our children to have the best, have the things we didn’t have or just enjoy our company. I love the lesson one of my friends preaches, that children need us to “be their parent, not their friend.” Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is when we have to deny our children a request only to meet with obnoxious behaviors. No parent likes the tears, the tantrums and the whining, but sometimes, there’s no way around them. I have learned the hard way that giving in only causes more work for me in the long haul.

I can remember being a new mom of a preemie after having an emergency c-section. I was sore, tired and zombie-like, not wanting to do anything after each and every two hour feeding. But I also had a toddler and a 6-year-old. I know they got away with murder. Sure, go ahead, tear the house up, I’m too tired to do anything about it. Those sanitary pads aren’t stickers, but they peel off the wall just fine.

Boundaries are a gift we can give to our children. We say “no” for their safety: Kids don’t realize the dangers of sticking a shiny fork into the wall socket, and that’s why parents must set and enforce the rules. We say “no” to ensure their health: Kids need more than gummy bears and chicken nuggets at every meal, and a good night of rest.

Don’t feel guilty about saying “no.” We need to express our love to our children, that our decisions are often for their own good. Hopefully one day, when my kids have kids, they’ll thank me.

But I won’t hold my breath.

- Debbie

Photo by II_browneyes_II.

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