Tag Archives: parenting

Read Aloud to Children, Every Day!

Posted on March 1, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Last week I attended a kick-off for the ReadAloud awareness campaign. ReadAloud.org is promoting the practice of parents reading aloud to their children for 15 minutes a day.  The campaign tag line – Read Aloud. 15 minutes. Every child. Every parent. Every day. –  is being introduced throughout the Cincinnati region with the hopes to increase parent awareness and implementation of this practice.

Throughout the kick-off event numerous speakers presented facts about the importance of reading aloud to children. Speaker after speaker presented the benefits of this practice. And it became clear that by reading aloud to children on our laps, especially our young children, we promote their brain development, we encourage and increase their language and literacy skills, we increase our bond with our children and we prepare them for success in school! So with all this obvious benefit, why don’t more parents read to their children? Why do statistics show that less than 40 percent of our children are read to daily?

My immediate reaction is to think that parents do not realize the tremendous benefits that come from the simple practice of reading aloud. Because truly if they did, they would find a way to make it happen, wouldn’t they? Parents know the benefits related to their children eating well, getting enough sleep and practicing good hygiene. Parents make sure their children brush their teeth, learn to tie their shoes and use good manners. Parents teach children to share with others, respect their elders and use their words to ask for what they want. And if parents do all these things then surely they read aloud to their children, right?

What is often true is that parents parent the way they were parented. I can remember my parents reading stories to myself and my siblings. But they did not do this daily. Other things, like prayers before bed, brushing my teeth and eating dinner with my family were a part of my daily routine and it is these things that show up in the way that my siblings and I raise our children. So I can’t help but think if we had been read to everyday, would we being doing it now as parents?  I think so.

Throughout my years of working with parents and families, I would venture to say that 99 percent of the parents I have met want what is best for their children. They want their children to have friends, do well in school, excel in their talents and grow-up safe. And most of these parents look for ways to help their children reach these goals.  Because what wouldn’t a parent do for their child? Research has shown that if a child is not reading at grade level by the end of first grade, then there is an 88 percent probability the child will not be reading at grade level by the end of the fourth grade. And by age 4, children who are read aloud to regularly have heard an average of 32 million more words than children who are not.

Our parents may not have known the benefits of reading aloud to children everyday. But we do. The research has been done and the word is out! By reading aloud 15 minutes everyday to our children we can help them be successful in school, build their language skills and feel safe on our laps. Help me spread the word that reading aloud is just as important as washing hands and brushing teeth, and it is something as parents we can do for our children. Because there really isn’t anything we would not do for our kids.

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of Sean Dreilinger.

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Carpe Kairos

Posted on February 23, 2012 by | 1 Comment

As a blogger, I’m always curious about what others write, but was especially intrigued by the title of a post, “Don’t Carpe Diem,” that a coworker sent my way. In it, the brave blogger (I’ll refer to her as BB) admitted that she doesn’t enjoy every single moment of parenting. Some of you may be saying, Shut your mouth! Not I. I get her.

Seize the day. I’ve always embraced the philosophy.  I’d never considered another perspective until I read BB’s. This quote sums up her heartfelt view: “Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.” While this may not win her any parenting popularity points, if you’re anything like me, it does make you go ‘hmm.’

BB likens parenting to climbing Mount Everest. She supposes people try it because, “Even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard.” Then she suggests if there were veteran climbers stationed all along it encouraging them to enjoy every single moment and yelling to the climbers – “CARPE DIEM!” they might get thrown from the mountain.

I’ve had a few of those less proud ‘throw the well meaning older woman from the cliff moments’. While my children were being unholy terrors, she told me how adorable they were. Listening to her, I watched helplessly as they wreaked havoc on other shoppers with our cart. In that moment, I wondered if it would be easier to throw myself off instead! BB has given me permission to admit that I don’t Carpe Diem every second of every day with my children. Ahh, confession is good for the soul. And it’s freeing.

Now that I’ve fessed up to the fact that Carpe Diem doesn’t always work for me, I can let the notion of always trying to live it go. Doing so opens me up to embrace some new ways of looking at time with my children. Chronos time is one of them.

BB described Chronos time as, “what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time.” No wonder I’m exhausted!

Considering Chronos time, I’m all the more thankful for Kairos time. BB calls it God’s time. “It’s those magical moments in which time stands still.” BB is grateful she has a few of these moments each day and she cherishes them, as do I. As BB shares how she moves between being stuck in Chronos to being transported to Kairos, I’m struck by the beauty of BB’s words because they echo my heart:

“Like when I’m stuck in Chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of Chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their healthy bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just start at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.”

What about you? Even if you don’t Carpe Diem, or can’t Carpe Chronos, how about trying to Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day?

- Tammi

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A New “Baby” in the House

Posted on February 8, 2012 by | 1 Comment

From the moment we find out we are pregnant, we start planning and dreaming about what our baby is going to be like. Who will he look like? What name will suit her? Will I work or can I afford to stay at home? Can I afford quality child care? One thing is certain, a baby changes everything!

I feel a little like a new mom with my “fourth” child: a new puppy. Not unlike a surrogate mother, our breeder kept us anticipating the arrival, sending weekly posts with pictures. We weren’t sure which pup we would end up bringing home but we were already planning how wonderful he would be.

On the first night in his new home, Elvis gave me a taste of having a very needy newborn again. I had been asleep for about two hours when he whimpered and whined to get out of his bed. I hesitated, wondering whether to get up or roll back to sleep. Just like a baby, I thought, on his own schedule rather than mine!

Like a baby, too, Elvis is busy exploring his world, sometimes with disastrous consequences. Not only did we witness him swallow a sock, he produced another one, as well as a furry shoe insole! Babies will put anything they can find in their mouths! Keeping Elvis calm on the way to the vet reminded me of the many coping mechanisms I used to use in the car with my children, sitting in the backseat with them in rear-facing car seats, tapping their pacifiers to help them feel comfortable. Do they make pacifiers for puppies?

But there are real joys to having a “baby” in the house, too. Just like we hope parents do with human babies, I get down on the floor and play with Elvis at his level. I’m consistent with him when he needs discipline, and I follow his cues for meal times and “potty training.” At the end of the day it’s important to remember that with parenting it’s not the planning, the expectations or wondering about the path not taken. It’s about enjoying the journey you’re on.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of smlp.co.uk.

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Validating Children’s Feelings

Posted on February 2, 2012 by | 13 Comments

As a family therapist I witnessed many children experience incredible losses and crises which often left them feeling sad, frustrated, angry and hopeless.  I have also had children in my everyday life feel disappointed or mad because they didn’t get a treat they wanted or feel sad or rejected because they weren’t invited to a friend’s birthday party. Regardless of the child or the situation, it is difficult to watch children deal with this range of “negative” feelings. Most parents want to protect children from feeling any pain. However, I must admit that I have learned that not only is it impossible to protect the children in my life from negative or painful feelings, it is often not as helpful as I would have hoped.

Years ago I had the honor of working with a very strong and resilient 5-year-old girl.  She had experienced incredible trauma in her life, compounded by her mother’s death. When I met her she was living in foster care and was beginning to feel safe enough to share the losses she had experienced in her very short life. She often became tearful as she shared her memories of her mother and expressed anger about her mother not being there for her. Her foster mother, who was a very caring and compassionate woman, would often try to soothe the child by offering explanations and words of comfort.  She would say things like, “Your mother is in heaven with the angels,” or “Your mother isn’t really gone, she is lives on in your heart.” The girl’s response?  “I don’t care – I want my mom!”

The foster mother’s attempts to comfort and remove pain had the opposite effect. What the girl wanted was comments that validated her feelings. Statements that reflected her feelings like, “You are sad because you miss your mom,” had much more of an impact than any attempts to protect her from her pain. When her feelings were accepted she would continue to share them and any acts of rage or yelling would cease.

We need to accept and allow children to express their full range of emotions. When we listen, we show children that their feelings are real and important. Accepting children’s feelings also doesn’t mean we have to accept every way their feelings are expressed.  Parents can validate children’s feelings without supporting negative behaviors that occur as a result, though this can be be quite tricky. As children’s behaviors escalate it is natural to want to redirect the negative behavior and “get the child under control.” What has worked for me is to first validate the feelings and then direct the behavior.  By doing this, the children in my life have felt heard and understood which has often resulted in a decrease in the negative behaviors.

No matter how hard it is to see a child upset or in pain, I have found that the best way to soothe and comfort is to accept how they feel.  Likewise I have found that the best way to respond to a happy child is to accept their joy and join in on their fun!

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of damejoys.

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Resolving to Be a Better Parent

Posted on December 21, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I can hardly believe 2011 is nearly over. I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions. My logic? Why waste the energy on something I know I have reneged on over the past several years. It did occur to me this year that I could resolve to do something that would benefit my children, like be a better parent in 2012! But how?

As I researched on how to demonstrate my best intentions, I found a series of questions on resolutions for parents. I was looking for answers, and here were a few things other parents hoped to accomplish.

Spend more time with my children. Aren’t they with me all of the time already? I drive them to practices, take them to church, to the grocery and on weekends we are doing activities or running errands together. My husband wonders why my car is always trashed.  Maybe because we live in my car!

Treat my children better. How does a mom do that? They have everything they need and a lot of stuff they don’t.

Demonstrate more love and kindness toward my children. More? I am overflowing with love and kindness. Maybe they can implement this one toward me?

Make sure my children are properly educated. Okay, I’m terrible at math and don’t remember my French, but I do help with homework most nights, provide them with trips to the library and have shelves overflowing with books.

It seemed to me after reading these few resolutions that I had already mastered everything about becoming a better parent. But then I read the last question.

“Why is making resolutions as a parent important to you?”

Parenting is ever-evolving and something we will never perfect, and that’s important to remember. We all have different parenting styles and at times it can be trial and error. Just as we are all different and unique, so is each of our children. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and while some days we may not feel appreciated, one day our children will recognize our hard work.

Maybe making a resolution as a parent this year isn’t such a bad idea after all. What’s yours?

- Debbie

Photo by Jonas Seaman.

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Santa Has Elves, We Have Retailers!

Posted on December 15, 2011 by | 2 Comments

Last Friday, after an emotionally charged day, I headed out of the office and straight for my favorite retail stores for some Christmas shopping therapy. Whether receiving an emotional boost or making a dent in their children’s lists to Santa was the goal, lots of people had the same idea. As we did a crazy consumer dance in every aisle to let one person past, in or out, I remarked to one woman, “It sure doesn’t look like we’re in a recession.” Several people heard my comment and agreed with it. From there I headed to another store where I checked out at close.

On Monday morning, while picking up my daily skinny vanilla latte at the local coffee shop, one of the girls who usually serves me (and who I’d bumped into on Friday night with my overflowing cart), asked if I was done with my shopping. “Almost,” I replied. “But I did some serious damage, not only to the list, but to my wallet!”  The other barista behind the counter chimed in the conversation with, “The news reported record breaking sales over the last six days.” Hmm, so I wasn’t the only one who’d broken the bank playing Santa instead of tightening my purse strings during this tough economic period. I have a feeling many parents feel the way I do: Anything for my children.

Knowing why I spent so much money didn’t stop me from fretting over it a little. Why do I feel compelled to get my children every single item on their lists even if I can’t really afford it? I was still pondering this question when I sat down for a workshop entitled “Poverty and Relationships: Working Toward Success” later that afternoon. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I would get an answer for my question.

It goes back to my childhood. I grew up in poverty. Yet my mother spent  ridiculous amounts on my brother and me at Christmas. She didn’t make much money but ran her credit cards up to their limit then paid for her extravagance all year. Why? Because as we learned in the workshop, one of the driving forces for those in poverty is relationships. Providing those materials things was a way for my mother to express love. And even though I would be considered middle class, recession or no, a pile of presents beneath the tree is also my way of expressing love to my children. That and the fact that they still believe in Santa and wouldn’t understand why he had to cut back this year due to the economy. Hence the record breaking sales.

Unlike my mother, I don’t max out credit cards because I don’t have any. This keeps me out of real financial dire straits: If I don’t have the money, I can’t buy it, no matter how much my children may want it. Still, since Christmas and birthdays are really the only time I give them gifts (non necessities) and I don’t have a workshop to produce them in, I’m grateful for everyday low prices, discounts and sales.

As parents there are countless ways to express our love, and I choose to express mine in this particular way.  Of course just as each parent must decide which holidays to observe/celebrate, each must determine when enough is enough regarding spending. A parent’s willingness or ability is subjective and should be respected by others who do things differently. I’m  grateful that while I figure out the right balance for my family,  certain stores make the process more affordable.

If you’re anything like me, Santa can have his elves. We’ll take retailers!

- Tammi

Photograph courtesy of Bill Roehl.

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Social Media – A New Parenting Issue

Posted on December 1, 2011 by | 2 Comments

I love the fact that I can get on Facebook and communicate with my very first college roommate that I haven’t seen in eons. I love that I can share a funny quote or words of encouragement to make someone’s day. But as a parent, the world of social media has led to a new realm of parenting issues. At what age is it okay for children to have their own Facebook account? How much should a parent monitor what is being posted by their child? Should parents accept invites to become Facebook “friends” with a friend of their child?

I often notice when viewing Facebook that some adults and children use social media to flaunt curse words or post inappropriate pictures. And I know it’s easy to get caught up in the writing and sharing but what are they thinking? I dare say they aren’t thinking at all or are not realizing the impact of these words and pictures. Facebook posts can often be a detriment to a career, court appearance, college entrance, or family member. Whether you like it or not, your roommate may not be the only one reading your Facebook posts. It may be a hiring agent looking at your profile to determine your character. It may be a potential client or someone you attend church with. It may be your mother! Imagine finding a profile picture of your 11-year-old kissing an older girl. What are your responsibilities as a parent? If that’s what the public is viewing, what’s happening in private?

And maybe that is part of the problem. With Facebook and other social media, there is often little privacy. Many children do not think through the consequences of sharing with the whole world.

Children aged seven to nine are starting to develop personal opinions and an increasing sense of right and wrong, but that doesn’t mean they are mature enough for a Facebook account. Their reasoning abilities and abstract thinking are still developing.

Moral development is also occurring over time. Parents who take the time to model caring behaviors themselves and discuss issues with children help create an atmosphere for open ended dialogue and a foundation of caring and respect. As a parent I monitor what my children say on Facebook. If I feel it’s inappropriate then I may post a comment to reprimand them “publicly,” or if it’s really inappropriate it gets removed. It may seem picky and minute but I would rather have my children act respectfully and abide by a tried and true principle: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Slide Gurtiza.

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I Want a Cat for Christmas!

Posted on November 22, 2011 by | 3 Comments

Though it’s Thanksgiving week, my children, like many adults, have already made the leap to their Christmas wish list.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Only a few words in this novelty Christmas song have to be substituted to turn into my eight-year-old daughter Liv’s heartfelt plea for a pet. Here’s her version:

I want a kitty cat for Christmas
Only a kitty cat will do
No fruit bats or rats
I only like kitty cats
And kitty cats like me too!

Crazy as it sounds, these modified lyrics are based in reality. Last week while composing his Christmas list, Liv’s six-year-old brother added an illustration of a bunch of grapes next to the bat he’d drawn lest Santa become confused and bring him a vampire bat instead of the fruit bat he really wants.

But little brothers aren’t the only ones who are fond of creatures Liv will definitely leave off of her list. While I was dating their dad, Liv’s three big brothers had a series of rat pets, all named DKR, which was short for Dumb Killer Rat. Thank goodness the last one went to rat heaven (we suspect with a little help from Levi when he unwittingly fed him a rubber band) before our families blended.

Whether Levi had anything to do with the premature death of DKR III or not, the fact that he was suspect raises the question our family has been grappling with for over a year: Are my children ready for a pet? You see, though I’m no fan of rats, I can’t bear to see any animal, no matter how icky, suffer or be smothered. And my children smother animals (with excessive physical attention).

Two years ago, I adopted a sweet-natured male kitten. My kids were crazy about him. And because they were, they drove him crazy. Poor Rory was a gentle soul, but even he could take only so much. Occasionally, after he’d tried unsuccessfully to escape from their loving clutches, he’d resort to violence. To prevent them from being ripped to shreds, I had him declawed. Now he was completely at their mercy. When they didn’t show him much, his teeth became weapons. My warnings to the children about Rory going to a home where he wouldn’t be mistreated fell on deaf ears. But even if they’d listened, Rory eventually blew it with me. I understood why he was miserable, but that didn’t matter when he started spraying everything in sight. I’d had it with all three of them. Liv might like kitty cats, but that feeling wasn’t mutual with her first pet.

Besides “smothering” animals, there’s concern about the amount of responsibility involved in caring for a pet. Like the little girl in the hippopotamus song, Liv claims she will take excellent care of her coveted cat. And she probably would. Until the novelty wears off. Our reluctance stems from the way she keeps her room and the number of times we have to ask her to do things before getting compliance. The same goes for all of her brothers. Which brings me back to the heart of the matter: Are my children ready for a pet?

But how will they ever learn how to treat animals properly and learn to be responsible if they’re not given the opportunity? Sadly, I don’t have the answer. But my husband and I better figure it out because all my daughter reads, writes, draws and talks about is cats. As a matter of fact, the book she wants me to read to her class when I make my Mystery Reader appearance right before the break is The Christmas Kitten.

Hint. Hint.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha.

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49 Years of Parenting

Posted on October 28, 2011 by | Leave a comment

This past weekend I joined my family in celebrating my parent’s golden wedding anniversary. To say that we have been blessed is obvious to me, and to anyone who knows my parents and my family.

As my family gathered over the weekend, we had opportunities to talk about some of our favorite childhood and adult memories. Some of these memories were related to trips we took or holidays we spent together.  But, there were many more memories shared that related to the day-to-day occurrences or times when each of us kids had gotten into trouble. This made me think that not only have my parents been married for 50 years – but they have been parenting for 49!

Growing up my sister, brothers and I had our share of successes and challenges. We were not “bad kids,” but definitely had times in which our errors in judgment led to upheaval and disappointment. But regardless of what we did or failed to do, we always knew that our parents were in our corner to help us get through whatever crisis or celebrate whatever high point came our way. We also knew – and still know – what is expected of us, the values that are important and the ways in which you show generosity and concern for others. For my parents, I think that their children knowing they were loved and supported and trying to live by the values and expectations they set are indicators of their success.

As parents, it is my opinion that they mine did two specific things that had this type of lasting impact: One was that they were consistent, the other was that they were available.

By being available, I am referring to my parents being present in our lives. Not only did they attend sporting events, art shows and recitals, but they knew what was going on in each of our lives. They knew our friends, they knew what was important to each of us and they listened.  Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely arguments and times we disagreed. But we were allowed to express our feelings and “speak our mind.” They were open to hearing what we had to say and supported our opinions – when they could. They also recognized our talents and strengths and were present to teach perseverance and encourage success.

By being consistent I am not only referencing consistency in discipline or routines, but also that their actions and words matched their values and their expectations. As children we knew what mattered to our parents, not just because they said it but because their actions supported it. Values were evident in daily routines – for example praying before dinner and getting our allowance only when our chores were complete. Expectations were supported by actions – for  example, we were expected to work hard in school.  This meant we did our homework, we listened to teachers and we studied. My parents made sure that homework time was a part of our home routine; they helped us study, checked our work and there was no television until homework was done. When we did our best in school and fell short, we were not in trouble. But if we hadn’t tried our best and got bad grades there was a punishment.

How my mom and dad parented seems simple and practical – their values and expectations matched their words and actions. This style of parenting requires intention and commitment, but it is not complex or costly. As parents we can choose to ensure that our messages come through in our words and our actions. We just need to make sure the messages we send are the ones we want to give!

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of Melchier.

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Fear Fest as Family Fun?

Posted on October 12, 2011 by | 9 Comments

If you’ve ever read my blogs, you may know that I have a “wasband” (was + husband = wasband). As is often the case with divorced parents, we often don’t see eye to eye on parenting. It is not my intention to slam my ex in this post, but the truth of the matter is that divorced people are divorced for a reason. One of our reasons is that we don’t agree on several parenting issues.  That said, I work extremely hard at not letting the children know, see or feel this.

So, the controversial topic on my mind today is taking children to Fear Fest. If you’re from this area or familiar with it at all, you know that this event is held during the Halloween season at King’s Island. Being a natural born scaredy cat, I’ve never attended, but from what I’ve heard, it lives up to its name.

Considering that, I was not happy when my six and eight-year-old came home with tales from their trip to the fest. Apparently attending was the adults’ idea of a Family Fun activity. But I question whether or not it was fun for my son who was terrified that the ghouls and goblins he’d encountered at the fest were lurking outside his bedroom waiting to pounce should he try to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Needless to say, he chose to stay put in bed. You can imagine the end result.

Nor was I pleased to have my kids so wound up following their trip to King’s Island that they didn’t go to sleep until nearly eleven the next night. Both kept talking about werewolves, vampires and mummies who wanted to eat them. Even with all the talking, reassuring and praying that I did with them, their fears were not allayed. This was on Monday night. I can’t imagine what they were like the night they went home from the Fear Fest to their father’s house. There are lots of words my children used to describe their experience. Fun was not one of them.

Again, I’m not gunning for my ex. I’m just asking all parents of young children to consider what constitutes a fun family activity – especially during this season. Perhaps some adults have forgotten what it feels like to be a small child. What is obviously fake to us may seem very real to them. Expecting them to differentiate between the two is not developmentally appropriate. Nor is it fair.

Last year, while Trick or Treating in our neighborhood, my husband, my children and I encountered a house that was over the top with the scary decor. The kids were so petrified by the dead bodies dangling from trees and the corpse that flew at them from a zip line that they froze in their tracks. Their screams of terror reverberated into the night and sent chills up my spine. Seriously? I wanted to ask the adults in that house, Since when did Halloween become about scaring the living daylights out of small children who just want to dress up and get some candy?

It may sound like I’m being harsh, but I thought this holiday was more about fun for the kids than entertainment for the adults. I wish my children’s father had thought more along those lines when he planned to attend Fear Fest as Family Fun. But then again, I guess that’s one of the reasons he’s my wasband.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Brittany Randolph.

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