Tag Archives: kids

Social Media – A New Parenting Issue

Posted on December 1, 2011 by | 2 Comments

I love the fact that I can get on Facebook and communicate with my very first college roommate that I haven’t seen in eons. I love that I can share a funny quote or words of encouragement to make someone’s day. But as a parent, the world of social media has led to a new realm of parenting issues. At what age is it okay for children to have their own Facebook account? How much should a parent monitor what is being posted by their child? Should parents accept invites to become Facebook “friends” with a friend of their child?

I often notice when viewing Facebook that some adults and children use social media to flaunt curse words or post inappropriate pictures. And I know it’s easy to get caught up in the writing and sharing but what are they thinking? I dare say they aren’t thinking at all or are not realizing the impact of these words and pictures. Facebook posts can often be a detriment to a career, court appearance, college entrance, or family member. Whether you like it or not, your roommate may not be the only one reading your Facebook posts. It may be a hiring agent looking at your profile to determine your character. It may be a potential client or someone you attend church with. It may be your mother! Imagine finding a profile picture of your 11-year-old kissing an older girl. What are your responsibilities as a parent? If that’s what the public is viewing, what’s happening in private?

And maybe that is part of the problem. With Facebook and other social media, there is often little privacy. Many children do not think through the consequences of sharing with the whole world.

Children aged seven to nine are starting to develop personal opinions and an increasing sense of right and wrong, but that doesn’t mean they are mature enough for a Facebook account. Their reasoning abilities and abstract thinking are still developing.

Moral development is also occurring over time. Parents who take the time to model caring behaviors themselves and discuss issues with children help create an atmosphere for open ended dialogue and a foundation of caring and respect. As a parent I monitor what my children say on Facebook. If I feel it’s inappropriate then I may post a comment to reprimand them “publicly,” or if it’s really inappropriate it gets removed. It may seem picky and minute but I would rather have my children act respectfully and abide by a tried and true principle: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Slide Gurtiza.

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I Want a Cat for Christmas!

Posted on November 22, 2011 by | 3 Comments

Though it’s Thanksgiving week, my children, like many adults, have already made the leap to their Christmas wish list.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Only a few words in this novelty Christmas song have to be substituted to turn into my eight-year-old daughter Liv’s heartfelt plea for a pet. Here’s her version:

I want a kitty cat for Christmas
Only a kitty cat will do
No fruit bats or rats
I only like kitty cats
And kitty cats like me too!

Crazy as it sounds, these modified lyrics are based in reality. Last week while composing his Christmas list, Liv’s six-year-old brother added an illustration of a bunch of grapes next to the bat he’d drawn lest Santa become confused and bring him a vampire bat instead of the fruit bat he really wants.

But little brothers aren’t the only ones who are fond of creatures Liv will definitely leave off of her list. While I was dating their dad, Liv’s three big brothers had a series of rat pets, all named DKR, which was short for Dumb Killer Rat. Thank goodness the last one went to rat heaven (we suspect with a little help from Levi when he unwittingly fed him a rubber band) before our families blended.

Whether Levi had anything to do with the premature death of DKR III or not, the fact that he was suspect raises the question our family has been grappling with for over a year: Are my children ready for a pet? You see, though I’m no fan of rats, I can’t bear to see any animal, no matter how icky, suffer or be smothered. And my children smother animals (with excessive physical attention).

Two years ago, I adopted a sweet-natured male kitten. My kids were crazy about him. And because they were, they drove him crazy. Poor Rory was a gentle soul, but even he could take only so much. Occasionally, after he’d tried unsuccessfully to escape from their loving clutches, he’d resort to violence. To prevent them from being ripped to shreds, I had him declawed. Now he was completely at their mercy. When they didn’t show him much, his teeth became weapons. My warnings to the children about Rory going to a home where he wouldn’t be mistreated fell on deaf ears. But even if they’d listened, Rory eventually blew it with me. I understood why he was miserable, but that didn’t matter when he started spraying everything in sight. I’d had it with all three of them. Liv might like kitty cats, but that feeling wasn’t mutual with her first pet.

Besides “smothering” animals, there’s concern about the amount of responsibility involved in caring for a pet. Like the little girl in the hippopotamus song, Liv claims she will take excellent care of her coveted cat. And she probably would. Until the novelty wears off. Our reluctance stems from the way she keeps her room and the number of times we have to ask her to do things before getting compliance. The same goes for all of her brothers. Which brings me back to the heart of the matter: Are my children ready for a pet?

But how will they ever learn how to treat animals properly and learn to be responsible if they’re not given the opportunity? Sadly, I don’t have the answer. But my husband and I better figure it out because all my daughter reads, writes, draws and talks about is cats. As a matter of fact, the book she wants me to read to her class when I make my Mystery Reader appearance right before the break is The Christmas Kitten.

Hint. Hint.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha.

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Posted in Family Pets, Parenting, Siblings

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“No” is a Love Word

Posted on October 20, 2011 by | 5 Comments

When my father-in-law was a guidance counselor, he kept the phrase I’ve used as a title for this blog as a reminder on his desk. Working with kids all day, and going home to eight of his own, I can see how that was probably necessary just to stay sane.

“No” is a love word. I like to think about the power of that sentence. So often we talk about being positive with our children and how telling our children “no” might hinder their self-esteem. But sometimes, a parent just needs to say “no.”

“No” can be said in a loving way, even though it’s hard for some of us to say it! We want our children to have the best, have the things we didn’t have or just enjoy our company. I love the lesson one of my friends preaches, that children need us to “be their parent, not their friend.” Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is when we have to deny our children a request only to meet with obnoxious behaviors. No parent likes the tears, the tantrums and the whining, but sometimes, there’s no way around them. I have learned the hard way that giving in only causes more work for me in the long haul.

I can remember being a new mom of a preemie after having an emergency c-section. I was sore, tired and zombie-like, not wanting to do anything after each and every two hour feeding. But I also had a toddler and a 6-year-old. I know they got away with murder. Sure, go ahead, tear the house up, I’m too tired to do anything about it. Those sanitary pads aren’t stickers, but they peel off the wall just fine.

Boundaries are a gift we can give to our children. We say “no” for their safety: Kids don’t realize the dangers of sticking a shiny fork into the wall socket, and that’s why parents must set and enforce the rules. We say “no” to ensure their health: Kids need more than gummy bears and chicken nuggets at every meal, and a good night of rest.

Don’t feel guilty about saying “no.” We need to express our love to our children, that our decisions are often for their own good. Hopefully one day, when my kids have kids, they’ll thank me.

But I won’t hold my breath.

- Debbie

Photo by II_browneyes_II.

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Fear Fest as Family Fun?

Posted on October 12, 2011 by | 9 Comments

If you’ve ever read my blogs, you may know that I have a “wasband” (was + husband = wasband). As is often the case with divorced parents, we often don’t see eye to eye on parenting. It is not my intention to slam my ex in this post, but the truth of the matter is that divorced people are divorced for a reason. One of our reasons is that we don’t agree on several parenting issues.  That said, I work extremely hard at not letting the children know, see or feel this.

So, the controversial topic on my mind today is taking children to Fear Fest. If you’re from this area or familiar with it at all, you know that this event is held during the Halloween season at King’s Island. Being a natural born scaredy cat, I’ve never attended, but from what I’ve heard, it lives up to its name.

Considering that, I was not happy when my six and eight-year-old came home with tales from their trip to the fest. Apparently attending was the adults’ idea of a Family Fun activity. But I question whether or not it was fun for my son who was terrified that the ghouls and goblins he’d encountered at the fest were lurking outside his bedroom waiting to pounce should he try to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Needless to say, he chose to stay put in bed. You can imagine the end result.

Nor was I pleased to have my kids so wound up following their trip to King’s Island that they didn’t go to sleep until nearly eleven the next night. Both kept talking about werewolves, vampires and mummies who wanted to eat them. Even with all the talking, reassuring and praying that I did with them, their fears were not allayed. This was on Monday night. I can’t imagine what they were like the night they went home from the Fear Fest to their father’s house. There are lots of words my children used to describe their experience. Fun was not one of them.

Again, I’m not gunning for my ex. I’m just asking all parents of young children to consider what constitutes a fun family activity – especially during this season. Perhaps some adults have forgotten what it feels like to be a small child. What is obviously fake to us may seem very real to them. Expecting them to differentiate between the two is not developmentally appropriate. Nor is it fair.

Last year, while Trick or Treating in our neighborhood, my husband, my children and I encountered a house that was over the top with the scary decor. The kids were so petrified by the dead bodies dangling from trees and the corpse that flew at them from a zip line that they froze in their tracks. Their screams of terror reverberated into the night and sent chills up my spine. Seriously? I wanted to ask the adults in that house, Since when did Halloween become about scaring the living daylights out of small children who just want to dress up and get some candy?

It may sound like I’m being harsh, but I thought this holiday was more about fun for the kids than entertainment for the adults. I wish my children’s father had thought more along those lines when he planned to attend Fear Fest as Family Fun. But then again, I guess that’s one of the reasons he’s my wasband.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Brittany Randolph.

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Marshmallows and Mountain Dew

Posted on October 3, 2011 by | 1 Comment

Marshmallows and Mountain Dew for breakfast!? This was my reaction when I recently heard a story about a mother who brought her child to preschool with a bag of marshmallows and a can of Mountain Dew for breakfast.

With obesity now affecting 17 percent of all children and adolescents in the United States, triple the rate from just one generation ago, I cannot believe that there are parents who consciously make such poor nutrition choices for their children. For years I have been a parent supporter and have encouraged others not to judge parents on how they raise their children. My experience has been that all parents want what is best for their children, even though many parent differently than I would. However, I must admit that I cannot help but to judge this parent, as I truly cannot come up with one possible scenario or circumstance that would support the decision to provide this kind of breakfast to a child. Other than to wonder, do we really have parents who do not understand the impacts poor nutrition and obesity have on our children?

My background is not in the medical field, but is in the field of mental health. I have heard, read and experienced enough to know that obesity can lead to health problems for adults, such as diabetes, heart attack, stroke, respiratory illness and joint problems. As parents are we aware that obesity in children can lead to the same health problems? In addition to health problems, many obese children and teens are at greater risk to experience social and psychological problems. Many children struggle to “fit in” with their peers; this struggle affects their confidence, self worth and self image.  In my experience, over-weight children are often ridiculed by their peers, are the target of bullying or are socially isolated as they withdraw from social opportunities due to high levels of anxiety or depression. Certainly there are no parents who would want their child to experience these types of health or social issues. So why then is childhood obesity on the rise?

There are researchers who have investigated this very question and have suggested the accessibility and ease of fast food, children being less active and genetics. And for each of these contributing factors there is information available on how to ensure better nutrition and health for our children. For me, the solution is obvious. Ensuring the wellness of our children has to be a priority. Our children are not automatically resilient. We cannot fool ourselves into thinking that “they are just kids” and that their young bodies and minds can bounce back. We need to teach our children about nutrition, we need to set expectations about exercise and we need to make intentional choices that support the wellness of our children and ourselves.  Does this mean you never give fast food or candy to your child? Not necessarily. But it does mean you intentionally make time to be active with your child, you make sure your child eats well, is hydrated before a sporting activity and you plan and prepare good meals.

I do realize that there are always exceptions and some children because of illness or genetics may struggle with obesity. In writing this, I mean to encourage parents to be aware and intentional about nutritional choices and expectations. Because in my opinion, there really is no excuse for marshmallows and Mountain Dew for breakfast.

- Carolyn

Photograph courtesy of adwriter.

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Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First

Posted on September 22, 2011 by | 6 Comments

If you’ve ever flown, you may remember hearing the flight attendant give the instructions, “In the event of an emergency…pressure will change…oxygen will be available…put on your own mask first…” The first time I heard these instructions as a parent, they seemed to go against my parenting instincts. Should an emergency arise, I thought, I will take care of my children first! But I quickly changed my line of thinking when I heard the reason behind the instructions: “so you have what you need to help others…”  Of course I need to put my own mask on first, otherwise I won’t be conscious to help my children. The stewardess’ instructions were totally in sync with my parenting instincts!

We parents hold full-time caring positions and wear many caring hats: cook, counselor, chauffer, play date planner, maid, nurse, taxi driver, teacher, tutor, etc…, sometimes simultaneously! With all our to-dos, the one thing that often doesn’t make it onto our lists is self-care.

Though the oxygen mask thing served as an “aha moment” for me, I still struggled with the idea of taking care of myself first, especially when I was newly divorced and a single parent. Seeing my struggle, my then boyfriend, now husband, put it to me this way, “You’re the goose that lays the golden egg. If the goose dies, what happens to the goslings?”

And he’s right. As much as we want to do for and give to our children, we can’t pour into them when we’re running on empty. Every once in a while, and definitely more often than most of us do, we need to fill our own buckets. This looks different for each of us – walking, exercising, reading, writing, scrapbooking, Zumba – whatever it is, I’d encourage you to just do it! And not feel guilty about it.

You may be thinking, That’s easier said than done. Trust me. I get that. The challenges are real: time, money, energy. But so are the pressures that come along with parenting. If you can work through them, it will relieve some of that pressure. Doing so is worth it and valuable not only for you, but ultimately for your children. You’ve heard the saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Well, Mama can be substituted with the care giving title that fits you.

Take it from someone who’s allowed their tank to get fairly low in the past: It’s vital that you connect with other parents who can serve as a support system. Building these relationships builds resilience. Knowing you’re not alone can give you much needed strength.

I experience this at the hair salon. My stylist has a client for life, not just because she works miracles on my hair (it reacts to my stress levels), but because we share a parenting connection. At times I’ve gone to her exhausted and literally bedraggled, and she’s encouraged me to make time to come in more frequently. Some would argue that she just wants the business. But I know her mommy’s heart and believe she wants me to take care of myself so I’ll be at my best for my children.

I want the same for you. So please heed the instructions, which come straight from my mommy’s heart. Put on your own oxygen mask first! Self-care is not selfish. It simply enables you to breathe.

- Tammi

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Back to the Basics

Posted on August 9, 2011 by | 2 Comments

An opportunity to go on a dream getaway presented itself to our family a few weeks ago, and we jumped at the chance. One of the wealthiest families in the country admires my husband’s work with inner city children and wanted to make their private ranch available to us for next to nothing. They didn’t have to ask twice!  Due to a parent session scheduled Tuesday evening, my modern day Brady Bunch clan left Monday, and I was to join them following my presentation. Before setting out on the long drive, I had to double back in order to pick up T, one of those inner city kids who has grown up to be an amazing young man, partly due to my husband’s mentoring. The trip to collect him was out of my way but so worth it.

Once T and I finally made it to the “cabin”, we were blown away by its opulence. As we entered the security code and passed through the gate, it struck me – I’d been an inner city kid myself – that we’d be staying in the lap of luxury. Making our way up the long drive, I wondered how the children were responding to living the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

Over the next few days, I was pleasantly surprised. All six of the kids, twenty-year-old T included, were more into their magnificent natural surroundings than the stunning interiors. The youngest, Liv and Levi, were obsessed with six-week-old Pointer puppies and spent much of their time in the old barn covered in them. My three teenage stepsons had a literal blast shooting guns (but not really hunting), and driving John Deere Gators through the hunting grounds -especially in the pitch black with us riding along getting covered with dust!

A canoe trip that combined periods of lazing away on the creek and paddling furiously through rapids produced many touching and hilarious memories that will now be woven into the fabric of our family’s history. Another day on the water, this time on a boat equipped with all the amenities, allowed me to tube with my children for the second time in their short lives. Lying there on that huge raft with them and T (my husband and the boys had opted to sit that round out), I looked over the heads of my children and watched T soaking it all in. The water, the hills, the sky, and the sun. Growing up where we did, our view had been a little different. T got that. And appreciated it.  Like I said, the drive to get him was worth it.

Other highlights were singing in the van on the way into town for ice cream. ALL the kids lying on beds they’d pushed together to watch The Lion King. Liv, who just turned eight, and Jordan who leaves for college next week, baking cookies together.  Serious sixteen-year-old James scaring the daylights out of everyone when he charged into a room brandishing an enormous deer head he’d removed from the wall. And converting our five pound cheese puff container into an aquarium for the frog thirteen-year-old John caught for our littlest guy, six-year-old Levi. T sleeping out on the back porch – soaking it all in again.

Leaving was bittersweet. Not because I’d miss the lifestyle to which we’d all quickly become accustomed, but because I’d miss getting back to the basics of life.

- Tammi

Photograph courtesy of charamelody.

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Giving In to Tantrums

Posted on July 25, 2011 by | Leave a comment

Part of being a parent is dealing with upset children who express their frustration through tantrums, whining or pouting. Often our response to these behaviors depends upon the extent of the tantrum, the location it occurs and how patient we’re feeling. I’ve heard many opinions on the best way to respond, because we’ve all got them! Some experts urge parents to ignore the negative behavior, or risk reinforcing it and increasing the likelihood of your child doing it again. Others contend that children’s behaviors are feelings to be understood, and that we need to respond to our child based upon those feelings. I think it is safe to say, no matter what you believe, that all parents would prefer their child not have tantrums in public!

This past weekend on the big screen at a major league baseball game, a parent and his child became the focal point of this very debate. Broadcasters noticed a young boy in the stands who became upset when he did not catch a foul ball. The little boy was captured pouting on the big screen, pleading with his father and venting his frustration. The broadcasters chimed in with their opinion of the situation: expressing sorrow for his father, chuckling at the extent of the pouting and then trying to fix it by sending over team staff with a baseball for the young boy. With ball in hand, the young boy was then captured on the big screen displaying a huge grin.

The station that aired this episode had plenty to say about how this “should have” been handled: broadcasters agreed unanimously that the young boy should not have been given the baseball because he had acted poorly. By giving him the baseball his negative behavior was being supported and he would learn that pouting would get him what he wanted. This made me wonder what he was really learning. Was it this, or something else?

The young boy was clearly upset. As adults, we may say it is ridiculous to get that upset over a baseball and there are better ways to deal with frustration. However, this is not an adult; this is a young boy expressing his feelings. For him this was a Big Deal. Even so, he did not hit anyone or grab the ball away from the woman who caught it, he pouted and expressed his disappointment. And while feeling this bad, someone noticed and tried to console him by giving him a baseball. So, what did he really learn? Did he learn to get his own way by pouting? Or did he learn that people care when you are upset, that they will try to help you? We can’t know, but we can hope that he will he remember this act of kindness and pay it forward.

- Carolyn

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It’s Superboy!

Posted on July 21, 2011 by | 2 Comments

Who’s that diving in cold water to retrieve pool toys for a kid who can’t reach them himself? Is it a dad… a big brother? No, it’s Superboy! Also known as my son, my hero.

Empathy is the ability of one person to perceive the emotions, needs and desires of another person and to be able to respond in a nurturing way. That’s not only a definition, it’s a tall order. But recently my son rose to the challenge.

My children are water babies. Usually they don’t give the 3’ side of the pool a backward glance as they walk really fast toward the deep end (the lifeguards know us well and have finally drilled the ‘No Running Rule’ into their heads).

Levi is not only a water baby; he’s a freeze cat like his mom. On weeknights we don’t head to the pool until around 7:00, after I’ve had my necessary power nap. By this time it’s cooled off a little. Fearless, Levi usually dives off the board about forty times in a row. Then he’s done. He comes over to me with his teeth chattering and his skin all prune-y. I wrap him in not one but two oversized beach towels and he half dozes and half watches other swimmers, including his sister (she’s not coming out,  prune-y or not) while I continue reading my weekly poolside novel.

I truly don’t know how it came to be that the two of us were lounging by the shallow end the evening he came to the rescue of a boy in distress. Maybe it was just coincidence. At any rate, there we were.

“Mommy, I need my goggles,” he informed me in his little boy/man voice.

Now this was an interesting development. Levi never gets back in once he is done. Still, instead of questioning him, I handed over the goggles and followed his gaze toward a boy standing in 3’ of water. He looked older than Levi’s six years but obviously couldn’t swim.

I’d noticed him playing with several pool toys earlier, but now he stood empty handed. And upset. He had no idea how to get those toys back.

Without saying a word, my heroic son, still shivering I might add, walked down the steps and dove under seven or eight times until he’d retrieved every last toy and restored them to their rightful owner. (I tear up just thinking about it). In return for his good deed, he was rewarded from the boy’s valuable collection – with a cool turtle that sprayed water.

As a mom who tries to teach by my good example, it was amazing to get a glimpse into how my child interacts with his peers. I got to witness how he dove right in to aid a stranger, despite the fact that it took him out of his comfort zone.  Hmm. Maybe we weren’t sitting near the shallow end by coincidence after all…

Going back to that definition of empathy. Levi perceived the emotions, needs and desires of another person. And he was able to respond to them in a nurturing way. I’d like to believe that he’s empathetic partly because he sees empathy modeled in the way I respond to him when he’s distressed.

And because he really is a Super Boy.

- Tammi

Photo by Chris Hall.

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Hanging on our Every Word

Posted on June 29, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I sometimes wonder if doctors feel more pressure to have children who never miss school due to illness. Or if coaches feel pressure for their children to be the best athletes on the team. And surely teachers’ kids should have the highest grades in school. But them I’m reminded about PKs (preachers’ kids) and know that they’re often not the best behaved in church. Or how in a playful twist on the latter, I referred to my children as DKs (director’s kids) when I was the administrator of a child care center. Everyone there knew that directors’ kids are NOT necessarily perfect child care program advertisements!

As a parent who works in the early childhood field, I am fortunate to be exposed to a wealth of information on child development and best practices for interacting with children. In fact, one of the things I most enjoy about my work is the many opportunities I have to share this knowledge with parents and other professionals. Most often I do this through writing and presenting workshops. I’m a firm believer in the “When people know better they do better” philosophy and love putting people, especially parents, “in the know.”

Recently, while preparing to present a workshop that addresses speaking with children in ways that are respectful, meaningful and developmentally appropriate, I found myself evaluating how well I practice what I preach. I considered an example I give workshop participants: The participant, their husband and another couple are watching a game on TV. During an exciting play, the other husband lurches forward and spills his drink on the carpet. He’s embarrassed and says, “Oh, no! Look what I did to your rug!” As everyone scurries to clean up the mess, the participant tells their friend, “Don’t worry. This carpet has seen a lot worse.”

I’m certain that is how I would react if one of my friends were to spill their drink on the carpet. And I’m pretty sure that’s how I would respond if it were one of my children. Whew! I passed that test.

But I failed one a few weeks ago.

Heading out the door to the pool, I noticed my seven-year-old smearing her excess sunscreen into my cream colored Shabby Chic sofa! Totally exasperated, I asked her, “Have you lost your mind?” Mortified at my response, I could have bitten my tongue out the minute the words were out of my mouth.

The look of shock that passed across my little girl’s face served a dual purpose. It reminded me how powerful my words are. I may as well have struck her. The second was an affirmation that I usually do speak with her in a way that is appropriate. Otherwise, she wouldn’t know the difference.

In that moment, it was blatantly clear that she hangs on my every word. And she needed to hear one – Sorry.

That takes me back to my earlier ponderings. Since I work in a child related field, do I feel more pressure to put it all into practice and parent perfectly? Absolutely. But I’ve learned to cut myself a little slack. We all make mistakes. But it’s to our credit, and our children’s, to learn from them and make a different one each time.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Leonid Mamchenkov.

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