Tag Archives: families

Carpe Kairos

Posted on February 23, 2012 by | 1 Comment

As a blogger, I’m always curious about what others write, but was especially intrigued by the title of a post, “Don’t Carpe Diem,” that a coworker sent my way. In it, the brave blogger (I’ll refer to her as BB) admitted that she doesn’t enjoy every single moment of parenting. Some of you may be saying, Shut your mouth! Not I. I get her.

Seize the day. I’ve always embraced the philosophy.  I’d never considered another perspective until I read BB’s. This quote sums up her heartfelt view: “Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.” While this may not win her any parenting popularity points, if you’re anything like me, it does make you go ‘hmm.’

BB likens parenting to climbing Mount Everest. She supposes people try it because, “Even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard.” Then she suggests if there were veteran climbers stationed all along it encouraging them to enjoy every single moment and yelling to the climbers – “CARPE DIEM!” they might get thrown from the mountain.

I’ve had a few of those less proud ‘throw the well meaning older woman from the cliff moments’. While my children were being unholy terrors, she told me how adorable they were. Listening to her, I watched helplessly as they wreaked havoc on other shoppers with our cart. In that moment, I wondered if it would be easier to throw myself off instead! BB has given me permission to admit that I don’t Carpe Diem every second of every day with my children. Ahh, confession is good for the soul. And it’s freeing.

Now that I’ve fessed up to the fact that Carpe Diem doesn’t always work for me, I can let the notion of always trying to live it go. Doing so opens me up to embrace some new ways of looking at time with my children. Chronos time is one of them.

BB described Chronos time as, “what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time.” No wonder I’m exhausted!

Considering Chronos time, I’m all the more thankful for Kairos time. BB calls it God’s time. “It’s those magical moments in which time stands still.” BB is grateful she has a few of these moments each day and she cherishes them, as do I. As BB shares how she moves between being stuck in Chronos to being transported to Kairos, I’m struck by the beauty of BB’s words because they echo my heart:

“Like when I’m stuck in Chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of Chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their healthy bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just start at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.”

What about you? Even if you don’t Carpe Diem, or can’t Carpe Chronos, how about trying to Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day?

- Tammi

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Financial Health for Kids

Posted on February 15, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Some recent financial troubles in my home made me realize that I wanted to teach my children how to live life well by giving them the gift of financial health. By managing my own finances wisely, I could pass this valuable lesson on to my children. I needed to get my own affairs in order, first! After attending a financial health class, I remember painstakingly cutting up all of my credit cards and creating a list of debts to hang on the refrigerator. As I paid off each debt, I crossed it off. It was a visual for the entire family to see, and a very powerful tool.

I needed to do more than model for my children, though. There’s a Native American saying I used as a guide: “Tell me, and I’ll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and I’ll understand.”

By having my children work and get paid, I am involving them and teaching them about the value of saving and spending wisely. Our kids are now required to put 50% of any money they get from gifts, chores or other things into their own savings account. There was a lot of groaning at our house, at first, but in July I started to match what my children are putting into their accounts and they are excited to see their balances grow. Children of all ages can benefit from these kinds of activities!

Give 3-to-6 year-olds small, manageable chores. Instruct children to return their toys to a designated basket at cleanup time. At this age, pay them immediately. This provides instant positive reinforcement and young children are more willing to do the chore the next time. Small children learn to save and spend money with visual aids. Using a clear container for their money allows them to see savings go up as money goes in, and when spending their money, they see their money go down.

For 7-to-12-year-olds, a chore list with an assigned dollar value to the specific chores works well. At this age, pay day should be once a week when the work is completed. Older kids can also be given two envelopes to divide money earned between spending and saving.  Spending at this age fosters problem-solving skills because they learn to spend their earned money differently than money just given to them.

Which isn’t to say that some chores aren’t completed without pay! My kids are part of our family and expected to contribute, but I take advantage of the many teachable moments that are offered by compensating my children for performing some tasks around the house. And they’ve learned! When I use my debit card to pay for something instead of cash, my kids bust me every time. I can always rely on my children to be my financial compass, and I do the same thing for them. When they want to go out for dinner or buy something we can’t afford, like a new cell phone, we always look at their savings and our family budget. When the money’s not there, I love to blame it on the budget.

And when they ask me to put some more money in the budget? I tell them to head out back and shake the money trees in the yard! We were living paycheck to paycheck, but now we have a plan and we regularly see the results of our efforts as a family.

- Diann

Photo courtesy of Carissa Rogers.

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Validating Children’s Feelings

Posted on February 2, 2012 by | 13 Comments

As a family therapist I witnessed many children experience incredible losses and crises which often left them feeling sad, frustrated, angry and hopeless.  I have also had children in my everyday life feel disappointed or mad because they didn’t get a treat they wanted or feel sad or rejected because they weren’t invited to a friend’s birthday party. Regardless of the child or the situation, it is difficult to watch children deal with this range of “negative” feelings. Most parents want to protect children from feeling any pain. However, I must admit that I have learned that not only is it impossible to protect the children in my life from negative or painful feelings, it is often not as helpful as I would have hoped.

Years ago I had the honor of working with a very strong and resilient 5-year-old girl.  She had experienced incredible trauma in her life, compounded by her mother’s death. When I met her she was living in foster care and was beginning to feel safe enough to share the losses she had experienced in her very short life. She often became tearful as she shared her memories of her mother and expressed anger about her mother not being there for her. Her foster mother, who was a very caring and compassionate woman, would often try to soothe the child by offering explanations and words of comfort.  She would say things like, “Your mother is in heaven with the angels,” or “Your mother isn’t really gone, she is lives on in your heart.” The girl’s response?  “I don’t care – I want my mom!”

The foster mother’s attempts to comfort and remove pain had the opposite effect. What the girl wanted was comments that validated her feelings. Statements that reflected her feelings like, “You are sad because you miss your mom,” had much more of an impact than any attempts to protect her from her pain. When her feelings were accepted she would continue to share them and any acts of rage or yelling would cease.

We need to accept and allow children to express their full range of emotions. When we listen, we show children that their feelings are real and important. Accepting children’s feelings also doesn’t mean we have to accept every way their feelings are expressed.  Parents can validate children’s feelings without supporting negative behaviors that occur as a result, though this can be be quite tricky. As children’s behaviors escalate it is natural to want to redirect the negative behavior and “get the child under control.” What has worked for me is to first validate the feelings and then direct the behavior.  By doing this, the children in my life have felt heard and understood which has often resulted in a decrease in the negative behaviors.

No matter how hard it is to see a child upset or in pain, I have found that the best way to soothe and comfort is to accept how they feel.  Likewise I have found that the best way to respond to a happy child is to accept their joy and join in on their fun!

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of damejoys.

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Education is the Answer

Posted on January 18, 2012 by | Leave a comment

After reading an article in the Middletown Journal about the cost of keeping track of sex offenders, and a local child care administrator who kept descriptions of nearby offenders in her program, a friend of mine asked, “Why would the administrator put herself out there on the front page of the paper?” To me, the answer is obvious: to protect children!

I think it’s wonderful and absolutely courageous that the child care program administrator keeps a record of neighborhood sex offenders for her staff, and I hope she shares the list with parents, as well. As the state attorney general counsel stated in the article, sex offenders are likely to offend again, and especially in their own neighborhood! After all, statistics show that most offenders are someone the child knows, loves, or trusts.

As a parent, I certainly want to know where the sex offenders in my neighborhood live, and I do take precautions. I check the county sheriff’s list, though it’s important to keep in mind that the sex offenders listed there are only the ones that are registered! What’s a parent or child care provider to do to continue to be vigilant and educated on preventing child sexual abuse?

The national Darkness to Light campaign asserts that assault against children is an adult problem. Their trainings help to empower parents and child care providers, and are offered nationwide for as little as $10. Darkness to Light projects that every adult that attends a training will help protect ten children in the years to come! What’s that compared to the physical, emotional and literal costs of child sexual assault on our children and communities?

Assault against children is a crime based on secrecy. People like the child care program administrator mentioned in the Middletown Journal article are not afraid to stand up for our children, and we shouldn’t be, either!

- Debbie

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Posted in Advocacy, Family, Preventing Child Abuse

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Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Posted on January 10, 2012 by | 1 Comment

We often avoid the outdoors in winter, nestled by the fire with our hot cocoa and a good book. But think about what we’re missing! Outdoor play in the winter, when dressed warmly and appropriately, can be an adventure.

Don’t just build a snowman. See how creative your family can be! Try building a fort or an entire snowman family. Go sledding down the backyard hill. Or, just go for a walk to glimpse the beauty of icicles hanging in the tree branches. No snow?  Explore the different types of trees, and how differently they look in the winter. Go cloud gazing, pointing out the different shapes. Collect pine cones and make a bird feeder.  What kinds of animals do you see playing in the cold?

We all need to get outside to burn energy and use our muscles, and fresh air is a must all times of year! Studies have shown that contrary to the common belief that exposure to cold air causes us to “catch a cold,” it’s more likely that spending long periods of time in small, poorly ventilated areas is the culprit. In fresh, outdoor air, the chance for spreading infection is reduced.

Not only is outdoor time a good practice for families, it’s also good for children in child care situations. While adults that have to bundle up twelve preschoolers to take them outside for playtime may be grumbling as they look for hats and mittens, 4C early childhood specialists agree that the benefits are worth it!

It is up to the child care provider to monitor the weather conditions and make sure our children are safe but there are precautions that can be taken. Some states have even adopted a green, yellow or red guideline system for teachers to use when determining if it’s too cold for kids to play outside. I encourage you to ask how much time your children are spending outside in their child care programs!

So dress appropriately, hydrate yourself and your child and get out there and have some fun!

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Belzie.

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Posted in Family, Family Child Care, Parenting, Play

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Resolving to Be a Better Parent

Posted on December 21, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I can hardly believe 2011 is nearly over. I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions. My logic? Why waste the energy on something I know I have reneged on over the past several years. It did occur to me this year that I could resolve to do something that would benefit my children, like be a better parent in 2012! But how?

As I researched on how to demonstrate my best intentions, I found a series of questions on resolutions for parents. I was looking for answers, and here were a few things other parents hoped to accomplish.

Spend more time with my children. Aren’t they with me all of the time already? I drive them to practices, take them to church, to the grocery and on weekends we are doing activities or running errands together. My husband wonders why my car is always trashed.  Maybe because we live in my car!

Treat my children better. How does a mom do that? They have everything they need and a lot of stuff they don’t.

Demonstrate more love and kindness toward my children. More? I am overflowing with love and kindness. Maybe they can implement this one toward me?

Make sure my children are properly educated. Okay, I’m terrible at math and don’t remember my French, but I do help with homework most nights, provide them with trips to the library and have shelves overflowing with books.

It seemed to me after reading these few resolutions that I had already mastered everything about becoming a better parent. But then I read the last question.

“Why is making resolutions as a parent important to you?”

Parenting is ever-evolving and something we will never perfect, and that’s important to remember. We all have different parenting styles and at times it can be trial and error. Just as we are all different and unique, so is each of our children. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and while some days we may not feel appreciated, one day our children will recognize our hard work.

Maybe making a resolution as a parent this year isn’t such a bad idea after all. What’s yours?

- Debbie

Photo by Jonas Seaman.

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Santa Has Elves, We Have Retailers!

Posted on December 15, 2011 by | 2 Comments

Last Friday, after an emotionally charged day, I headed out of the office and straight for my favorite retail stores for some Christmas shopping therapy. Whether receiving an emotional boost or making a dent in their children’s lists to Santa was the goal, lots of people had the same idea. As we did a crazy consumer dance in every aisle to let one person past, in or out, I remarked to one woman, “It sure doesn’t look like we’re in a recession.” Several people heard my comment and agreed with it. From there I headed to another store where I checked out at close.

On Monday morning, while picking up my daily skinny vanilla latte at the local coffee shop, one of the girls who usually serves me (and who I’d bumped into on Friday night with my overflowing cart), asked if I was done with my shopping. “Almost,” I replied. “But I did some serious damage, not only to the list, but to my wallet!”  The other barista behind the counter chimed in the conversation with, “The news reported record breaking sales over the last six days.” Hmm, so I wasn’t the only one who’d broken the bank playing Santa instead of tightening my purse strings during this tough economic period. I have a feeling many parents feel the way I do: Anything for my children.

Knowing why I spent so much money didn’t stop me from fretting over it a little. Why do I feel compelled to get my children every single item on their lists even if I can’t really afford it? I was still pondering this question when I sat down for a workshop entitled “Poverty and Relationships: Working Toward Success” later that afternoon. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I would get an answer for my question.

It goes back to my childhood. I grew up in poverty. Yet my mother spent  ridiculous amounts on my brother and me at Christmas. She didn’t make much money but ran her credit cards up to their limit then paid for her extravagance all year. Why? Because as we learned in the workshop, one of the driving forces for those in poverty is relationships. Providing those materials things was a way for my mother to express love. And even though I would be considered middle class, recession or no, a pile of presents beneath the tree is also my way of expressing love to my children. That and the fact that they still believe in Santa and wouldn’t understand why he had to cut back this year due to the economy. Hence the record breaking sales.

Unlike my mother, I don’t max out credit cards because I don’t have any. This keeps me out of real financial dire straits: If I don’t have the money, I can’t buy it, no matter how much my children may want it. Still, since Christmas and birthdays are really the only time I give them gifts (non necessities) and I don’t have a workshop to produce them in, I’m grateful for everyday low prices, discounts and sales.

As parents there are countless ways to express our love, and I choose to express mine in this particular way.  Of course just as each parent must decide which holidays to observe/celebrate, each must determine when enough is enough regarding spending. A parent’s willingness or ability is subjective and should be respected by others who do things differently. I’m  grateful that while I figure out the right balance for my family,  certain stores make the process more affordable.

If you’re anything like me, Santa can have his elves. We’ll take retailers!

- Tammi

Photograph courtesy of Bill Roehl.

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Little Moments

Posted on December 7, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I recently had the opportunity to attend a reading party with families from the West side of Cincinnati. This event was hosted by 4C for Children in collaboration with Read Aloud.org. The message delivered at the event was simple – parents can impact their children’s literacy and success in school by reading out loud. Parents who attended were encouraged to read aloud fifteen minutes per day with their children on their lap. During the event parents and children moved to different reading stations where a book was read and parents and their children participate in an activity that related to the book. Hopes were

that the stations would help parents see how reading aloud and interacting with their children through books benefits their learning and development.

Throughout the entire event, there was an air of excitement and joy. Parents and children eagerly moved to each reading station, listened to the story and together participated in an activity or craft. I watched one little boy learn to use scissors for the first time. After listening to a story about trucks, his mother helped him cut out a picture of a dump truck and glue it to a stick. Once done, the boy immediately jumped up, held his truck in the air and yelled,  “Look, I did it! I did it all by myself!”

At the next station I noticed a mother with her four sons. They listened intently to the story and were instructed to put a bus together. The mother gathered her sons at a table and had each child take part in putting the bus together. There was a sense of connectedness as they worked as a family, each doing their part, each waiting their turn and all working together.

So often we hear about what goes wrong in a family – the parents that struggle and the children who are harmed or who lose their way. Often parents are blamed for what they do wrong or are judged for the poor decisions they make. But at this event, I observed a lot of parents doing it right by taking the time to be in the moment with their children. Books and activities were not only used to improve their children’s literacy and learning – but as a way to connect.

At the end of the event, parents were encouraged to stand up and make a pledge that they would read aloud to their children each day. And I feel sure that many of the parents who came to the event will do just that. But I also think about the deeper learning that came out of that event: the importance of getting on the floor, being with your children and accomplishing a task together.  It may seem small to help a child use scissors for the first time or help children work cooperatively together, however, it is my opinion that it is in these very moments that we can each be the parent we really want to be.

- Carolyn

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Social Media – A New Parenting Issue

Posted on December 1, 2011 by | 2 Comments

I love the fact that I can get on Facebook and communicate with my very first college roommate that I haven’t seen in eons. I love that I can share a funny quote or words of encouragement to make someone’s day. But as a parent, the world of social media has led to a new realm of parenting issues. At what age is it okay for children to have their own Facebook account? How much should a parent monitor what is being posted by their child? Should parents accept invites to become Facebook “friends” with a friend of their child?

I often notice when viewing Facebook that some adults and children use social media to flaunt curse words or post inappropriate pictures. And I know it’s easy to get caught up in the writing and sharing but what are they thinking? I dare say they aren’t thinking at all or are not realizing the impact of these words and pictures. Facebook posts can often be a detriment to a career, court appearance, college entrance, or family member. Whether you like it or not, your roommate may not be the only one reading your Facebook posts. It may be a hiring agent looking at your profile to determine your character. It may be a potential client or someone you attend church with. It may be your mother! Imagine finding a profile picture of your 11-year-old kissing an older girl. What are your responsibilities as a parent? If that’s what the public is viewing, what’s happening in private?

And maybe that is part of the problem. With Facebook and other social media, there is often little privacy. Many children do not think through the consequences of sharing with the whole world.

Children aged seven to nine are starting to develop personal opinions and an increasing sense of right and wrong, but that doesn’t mean they are mature enough for a Facebook account. Their reasoning abilities and abstract thinking are still developing.

Moral development is also occurring over time. Parents who take the time to model caring behaviors themselves and discuss issues with children help create an atmosphere for open ended dialogue and a foundation of caring and respect. As a parent I monitor what my children say on Facebook. If I feel it’s inappropriate then I may post a comment to reprimand them “publicly,” or if it’s really inappropriate it gets removed. It may seem picky and minute but I would rather have my children act respectfully and abide by a tried and true principle: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Slide Gurtiza.

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Posted in Dads, Early Childhood, Moms, Parenting

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I Want a Cat for Christmas!

Posted on November 22, 2011 by | 3 Comments

Though it’s Thanksgiving week, my children, like many adults, have already made the leap to their Christmas wish list.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Only a few words in this novelty Christmas song have to be substituted to turn into my eight-year-old daughter Liv’s heartfelt plea for a pet. Here’s her version:

I want a kitty cat for Christmas
Only a kitty cat will do
No fruit bats or rats
I only like kitty cats
And kitty cats like me too!

Crazy as it sounds, these modified lyrics are based in reality. Last week while composing his Christmas list, Liv’s six-year-old brother added an illustration of a bunch of grapes next to the bat he’d drawn lest Santa become confused and bring him a vampire bat instead of the fruit bat he really wants.

But little brothers aren’t the only ones who are fond of creatures Liv will definitely leave off of her list. While I was dating their dad, Liv’s three big brothers had a series of rat pets, all named DKR, which was short for Dumb Killer Rat. Thank goodness the last one went to rat heaven (we suspect with a little help from Levi when he unwittingly fed him a rubber band) before our families blended.

Whether Levi had anything to do with the premature death of DKR III or not, the fact that he was suspect raises the question our family has been grappling with for over a year: Are my children ready for a pet? You see, though I’m no fan of rats, I can’t bear to see any animal, no matter how icky, suffer or be smothered. And my children smother animals (with excessive physical attention).

Two years ago, I adopted a sweet-natured male kitten. My kids were crazy about him. And because they were, they drove him crazy. Poor Rory was a gentle soul, but even he could take only so much. Occasionally, after he’d tried unsuccessfully to escape from their loving clutches, he’d resort to violence. To prevent them from being ripped to shreds, I had him declawed. Now he was completely at their mercy. When they didn’t show him much, his teeth became weapons. My warnings to the children about Rory going to a home where he wouldn’t be mistreated fell on deaf ears. But even if they’d listened, Rory eventually blew it with me. I understood why he was miserable, but that didn’t matter when he started spraying everything in sight. I’d had it with all three of them. Liv might like kitty cats, but that feeling wasn’t mutual with her first pet.

Besides “smothering” animals, there’s concern about the amount of responsibility involved in caring for a pet. Like the little girl in the hippopotamus song, Liv claims she will take excellent care of her coveted cat. And she probably would. Until the novelty wears off. Our reluctance stems from the way she keeps her room and the number of times we have to ask her to do things before getting compliance. The same goes for all of her brothers. Which brings me back to the heart of the matter: Are my children ready for a pet?

But how will they ever learn how to treat animals properly and learn to be responsible if they’re not given the opportunity? Sadly, I don’t have the answer. But my husband and I better figure it out because all my daughter reads, writes, draws and talks about is cats. As a matter of fact, the book she wants me to read to her class when I make my Mystery Reader appearance right before the break is The Christmas Kitten.

Hint. Hint.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha.

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Posted in Family Pets, Parenting, Siblings

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