A New “Baby” in the House

Posted on February 8, 2012 by | 1 Comment

From the moment we find out we are pregnant, we start planning and dreaming about what our baby is going to be like. Who will he look like? What name will suit her? Will I work or can I afford to stay at home? Can I afford quality child care? One thing is certain, a baby changes everything!

I feel a little like a new mom with my “fourth” child: a new puppy. Not unlike a surrogate mother, our breeder kept us anticipating the arrival, sending weekly posts with pictures. We weren’t sure which pup we would end up bringing home but we were already planning how wonderful he would be.

On the first night in his new home, Elvis gave me a taste of having a very needy newborn again. I had been asleep for about two hours when he whimpered and whined to get out of his bed. I hesitated, wondering whether to get up or roll back to sleep. Just like a baby, I thought, on his own schedule rather than mine!

Like a baby, too, Elvis is busy exploring his world, sometimes with disastrous consequences. Not only did we witness him swallow a sock, he produced another one, as well as a furry shoe insole! Babies will put anything they can find in their mouths! Keeping Elvis calm on the way to the vet reminded me of the many coping mechanisms I used to use in the car with my children, sitting in the backseat with them in rear-facing car seats, tapping their pacifiers to help them feel comfortable. Do they make pacifiers for puppies?

But there are real joys to having a “baby” in the house, too. Just like we hope parents do with human babies, I get down on the floor and play with Elvis at his level. I’m consistent with him when he needs discipline, and I follow his cues for meal times and “potty training.” At the end of the day it’s important to remember that with parenting it’s not the planning, the expectations or wondering about the path not taken. It’s about enjoying the journey you’re on.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of smlp.co.uk.

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Posted in Family, Family Pets, Parenting

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Validating Children’s Feelings

Posted on February 2, 2012 by | 13 Comments

As a family therapist I witnessed many children experience incredible losses and crises which often left them feeling sad, frustrated, angry and hopeless.  I have also had children in my everyday life feel disappointed or mad because they didn’t get a treat they wanted or feel sad or rejected because they weren’t invited to a friend’s birthday party. Regardless of the child or the situation, it is difficult to watch children deal with this range of “negative” feelings. Most parents want to protect children from feeling any pain. However, I must admit that I have learned that not only is it impossible to protect the children in my life from negative or painful feelings, it is often not as helpful as I would have hoped.

Years ago I had the honor of working with a very strong and resilient 5-year-old girl.  She had experienced incredible trauma in her life, compounded by her mother’s death. When I met her she was living in foster care and was beginning to feel safe enough to share the losses she had experienced in her very short life. She often became tearful as she shared her memories of her mother and expressed anger about her mother not being there for her. Her foster mother, who was a very caring and compassionate woman, would often try to soothe the child by offering explanations and words of comfort.  She would say things like, “Your mother is in heaven with the angels,” or “Your mother isn’t really gone, she is lives on in your heart.” The girl’s response?  “I don’t care – I want my mom!”

The foster mother’s attempts to comfort and remove pain had the opposite effect. What the girl wanted was comments that validated her feelings. Statements that reflected her feelings like, “You are sad because you miss your mom,” had much more of an impact than any attempts to protect her from her pain. When her feelings were accepted she would continue to share them and any acts of rage or yelling would cease.

We need to accept and allow children to express their full range of emotions. When we listen, we show children that their feelings are real and important. Accepting children’s feelings also doesn’t mean we have to accept every way their feelings are expressed.  Parents can validate children’s feelings without supporting negative behaviors that occur as a result, though this can be be quite tricky. As children’s behaviors escalate it is natural to want to redirect the negative behavior and “get the child under control.” What has worked for me is to first validate the feelings and then direct the behavior.  By doing this, the children in my life have felt heard and understood which has often resulted in a decrease in the negative behaviors.

No matter how hard it is to see a child upset or in pain, I have found that the best way to soothe and comfort is to accept how they feel.  Likewise I have found that the best way to respond to a happy child is to accept their joy and join in on their fun!

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of damejoys.

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Bully Bellyaches

Posted on January 26, 2012 by | 1 Comment

My daughter Liv recently declined my invitation to miss school and hang out with me on my day off (I don’t normally advocate skipping school, but was desperate for some quality time before a ten day visit with her father). Once she explained that she wanted to be with me but didn’t want to mess up her perfect attendance record, I felt better.

Considering how she wanted to keep her record intact, I was surprised by her behavior a few weeks later. She starting telling me she was really tired and wanted to stay home. When that didn’t work, she started complaining of a bellyache and diarrhea.  In a four day week coming off of a long vacation, I had to pick her up from the clinic two days in a row.

You’re probably asking, Why did you send her to school sick? Well, that’s the thing. She wasn’t acting sick. The minute she got home, she wanted to play with her new kitten and on the computer. This, and the fact that she displayed no other symptoms, made it seem like she was using the stomach thing to stay home/come home early. The problem was, she kept complaining. What if something really was wrong? I scheduled a doctor’s appointment.

Hectic as life can be, we sit down to a few family meals a week, even if that means taking advantage of ‘Kids Eat Free’ at whatever restaurant. Because our children talk. A certain girl in Liv’s class kept coming up in these conversations. Liv had issues with this girl earlier in the year. I began to suspect the bellyaches had less to do with possible illness than with a bully.  Other parents confirmed my suspicions.

Once I’d taken the most important step: letting my child know we’ve got her back (she can tell us and other adults, we will help, it’s OK to tell a bully to stop, she doesn’t have to be afraid, etc.), here are the additional steps I took:

  • Emailed the teacher and voiced my concerns about Liv’s bellyaches and gave specifics about her interactions with the other student ( pushed her down, took her school supplies and was mean to Liv’s friends)
  • Asked for the teacher’s thoughts and observations
  • Requested a meeting to discuss how we could partner together to find a positive solution to the problem

The teacher responded immediately. She let me know she was aware of and saddened by the ongoing situation. Here are the steps she took:

  • Involved the principal and had him talk to Liv and the other girl
  • Invited the school counselor to address the class with strategies for all concerned students on how to become a problem solver using various methods
  • Contacted the other parents whose children were involved and had conversations with these students as well
  • Assured me that the school strives to be a safe, happy, positive environment where students learn skills and strategies to be caring people and problem solvers
  • Asked that I keep her posted if any other concerns arise

I’m glad to say things do seem to have reached a positive resolution. Just knowing the adults are aware and care seems to have made a difference for Liv. She’s still a 2nd grader in a kindergartner’s body, but she shot up when my husband told her he’d come up to school if necessary. It hasn’t been because she’s no longer such an easy target. And her doctor’s appointment got cancelled. For her, no more bullying means no more bellyaches.

Hurting people hurts others. As glad as I am for Liv, I’m sad for the little girl who feels the need to bully.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Working Word.

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Education is the Answer

Posted on January 18, 2012 by | Leave a comment

After reading an article in the Middletown Journal about the cost of keeping track of sex offenders, and a local child care administrator who kept descriptions of nearby offenders in her program, a friend of mine asked, “Why would the administrator put herself out there on the front page of the paper?” To me, the answer is obvious: to protect children!

I think it’s wonderful and absolutely courageous that the child care program administrator keeps a record of neighborhood sex offenders for her staff, and I hope she shares the list with parents, as well. As the state attorney general counsel stated in the article, sex offenders are likely to offend again, and especially in their own neighborhood! After all, statistics show that most offenders are someone the child knows, loves, or trusts.

As a parent, I certainly want to know where the sex offenders in my neighborhood live, and I do take precautions. I check the county sheriff’s list, though it’s important to keep in mind that the sex offenders listed there are only the ones that are registered! What’s a parent or child care provider to do to continue to be vigilant and educated on preventing child sexual abuse?

The national Darkness to Light campaign asserts that assault against children is an adult problem. Their trainings help to empower parents and child care providers, and are offered nationwide for as little as $10. Darkness to Light projects that every adult that attends a training will help protect ten children in the years to come! What’s that compared to the physical, emotional and literal costs of child sexual assault on our children and communities?

Assault against children is a crime based on secrecy. People like the child care program administrator mentioned in the Middletown Journal article are not afraid to stand up for our children, and we shouldn’t be, either!

- Debbie

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Posted in Advocacy, Family, Preventing Child Abuse

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Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Posted on January 10, 2012 by | 1 Comment

We often avoid the outdoors in winter, nestled by the fire with our hot cocoa and a good book. But think about what we’re missing! Outdoor play in the winter, when dressed warmly and appropriately, can be an adventure.

Don’t just build a snowman. See how creative your family can be! Try building a fort or an entire snowman family. Go sledding down the backyard hill. Or, just go for a walk to glimpse the beauty of icicles hanging in the tree branches. No snow?  Explore the different types of trees, and how differently they look in the winter. Go cloud gazing, pointing out the different shapes. Collect pine cones and make a bird feeder.  What kinds of animals do you see playing in the cold?

We all need to get outside to burn energy and use our muscles, and fresh air is a must all times of year! Studies have shown that contrary to the common belief that exposure to cold air causes us to “catch a cold,” it’s more likely that spending long periods of time in small, poorly ventilated areas is the culprit. In fresh, outdoor air, the chance for spreading infection is reduced.

Not only is outdoor time a good practice for families, it’s also good for children in child care situations. While adults that have to bundle up twelve preschoolers to take them outside for playtime may be grumbling as they look for hats and mittens, 4C early childhood specialists agree that the benefits are worth it!

It is up to the child care provider to monitor the weather conditions and make sure our children are safe but there are precautions that can be taken. Some states have even adopted a green, yellow or red guideline system for teachers to use when determining if it’s too cold for kids to play outside. I encourage you to ask how much time your children are spending outside in their child care programs!

So dress appropriately, hydrate yourself and your child and get out there and have some fun!

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Belzie.

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Posted in Family, Family Child Care, Parenting, Play

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I Got a Kitty Cat for Christmas!

Posted on January 5, 2012 by | 2 Comments

Back at Thanksgiving, I blogged about how a kitty cat was at the top of my daughter’s Christmas wish list. At the time, my husband and I were still discussing whether or not she and our family were ready for a pet. Though the final decision required much deliberation and a little disagreement, an adorable female calico kitten joined our family a few days before Christmas Eve.  Liv was rendered joyously speechless when I walked into the house with the pet she had been   longing for in my arms.

As a matter of fact, I cried when I first saw her myself. I’m biased, but I think her picture speaks for itself. I’ve saved this one as my computer backdrop. In short, I’m as in love with her as Liv is. Now that I have her, I realize how much I missed having a pet in the house. Much of the holiday was spent with each of us holding her and watching her play. The way she has brought our family together makes it feel a little more like a home.

Skylar not only looks like a lady, for the most part she acts like one. She’s sweet, gentle and loving. If you ask nicely, she’ll give you a kiss with her sandpaper tongue. If you aren’t paying her enough attention, she’ll lay a paw on your arm to get it. She’s an utter cuddle cat. Unless there’s food around. Then she morphs into a manic cat on a mission. In a flash she leaps from chair to chair onto the kitchen table on the quest for a nibble of whatever her humans are eating.  “What? I just want a sip,” she’s saying in the above shot.

Finding ways to manage this one quirk in Skylar’s behavior is all a part of the adjustment process for our family. Thankfully, the concerns about whether my younger children could care for and treat a pet responsibly and respectfully have not been much of an issue. So far, they’re doing well. I suspect it’s because they are now old enough to fully understand the expectations. And the consequences if they aren’t kind to the cat (they had to wait almost two years before we tried having a pet again after our first failed attempt).

Unfortunately, we are having some issues with how the older boys treat the cat. Despite the fact that they obviously adore her, they don’t seem to be able to approach her without assuming a menacing crouch or making hissing noises. When they do pick her up, they tend to hold her high above their heads like they’re about to drop her. Confused and more than a little perturbed by this, I asked them not to do it. One response was, “We always did this with our other cats. They liked it.” Somehow I doubt that.  Now I’m doing a little challenging behavior management with them and coaching them on how to play with Skylar in a way that is not only fun for them, but for her too.

One of the reasons I felt so strongly about the children having a pet was that I believe there are valuable lessons to be learned from being responsible for the well being of another living creature. I’m discovering that these lessons aren’t just for young children. Sometimes older children have to learn appropriate behaviors or unlearn inappropriate ones as well.

Being given this valuable opportunity to help my stepsons develop their nurturing side is another reason I’m so glad Liv got a kitty cat for Christmas.

- Tammi

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Posted in Family, Family Pets, Parenting

Enjoying the Present

Posted on December 27, 2011 by | Leave a comment

As I sat to write this bChristmas Eve by Jim Pennuccilog, I struggled to find inspiration.  This somewhat shocked me as I imagined that coming off of a very busy holiday weekend, I would have some astounding words of wisdom or at least a controversial issue to share.  Instead, I find that I am feeling full.  Full from cookies, fudge and candy canes; full from family and friends; full from laughter and full from time with children.  And as I sit here feeling very full and content, I am recognizing that this has not always been the case.  I remember holidays when pressure or upheavals with family or friends left me feeling unhappy, disappointed or anxious.  But not this year!

So what made this year different?  What contributed to the ease and contentment that I feel?  One key factor is that I am truly blessed with lots of friends and a very close immediate and extended family.  Another factor is that I am fortunate to be able to be generous to those I care about.  And I think the last key factor is that I recognize what I can control and choose not to give much energy to that which is out of my control – this has been something I have truly learned over time!  And I think it’s this last factor that probably has made the greatest impact on my holiday success.

In previous years, I think my efforts had been to try to make a “perfect” holiday.  I would focus on the right gifts, the right wrapping, the right food and the right people at the party.  I probably spent so much time “thinking forward” that I missed out on the moments happening around me.  I would be so worn out and tired that by the time the holiday hit I was too exhausted to really take part.  But somehow this year, it was different.  Oh, I still shopped and baked and decorated, I just allowed myself to stay more present in the moment.  I controlled what was happening at that moment versus fretting over what might or might not get done.

To be present in the moment, I had to be in touch with what was happening around me and how I was feeling.  I also needed to maintain a level of flexibility.  If I was running behind schedule, I changed my expectations.   If I planned to bake, but didn’t feel like it, I gave myself permission to do something else on my list.  I continued my workout routine to make sure I felt good and tried to make sure I remained well-rested.   And I must say, somehow it worked.  By the time the holidays hit, what was important on my list had gotten done.  I was ready – well wrapped, well rested and at ease.

Last night I was with a group of working moms who were talking about how hard it is to “get it all done.”   Clearly the holidays add even more items to what seems to be an ever-growing list of things that have to be done.   And though I think they would argue with me, I would dare say that they would feel more at ease and successful if they stayed in the moment and focused their efforts on what is in their control.   Would everything always get done?  No.  Would everything get taken are of that was important at that moment?  Yes.

Staying present in the moment and putting energy into only what you can control, is a skill.  It takes practice and time to master.  This doesn’t mean you don’t set goals or expectations, it just means you adjust that way in which you achieve what in the end is most important.

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of  Jim Pennucci.

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Posted in Family, Moms, Parenting