Santa Has Elves, We Have Retailers!

Posted on December 15, 2011 by | 2 Comments

Last Friday, after an emotionally charged day, I headed out of the office and straight for my favorite retail stores for some Christmas shopping therapy. Whether receiving an emotional boost or making a dent in their children’s lists to Santa was the goal, lots of people had the same idea. As we did a crazy consumer dance in every aisle to let one person past, in or out, I remarked to one woman, “It sure doesn’t look like we’re in a recession.” Several people heard my comment and agreed with it. From there I headed to another store where I checked out at close.

On Monday morning, while picking up my daily skinny vanilla latte at the local coffee shop, one of the girls who usually serves me (and who I’d bumped into on Friday night with my overflowing cart), asked if I was done with my shopping. “Almost,” I replied. “But I did some serious damage, not only to the list, but to my wallet!”  The other barista behind the counter chimed in the conversation with, “The news reported record breaking sales over the last six days.” Hmm, so I wasn’t the only one who’d broken the bank playing Santa instead of tightening my purse strings during this tough economic period. I have a feeling many parents feel the way I do: Anything for my children.

Knowing why I spent so much money didn’t stop me from fretting over it a little. Why do I feel compelled to get my children every single item on their lists even if I can’t really afford it? I was still pondering this question when I sat down for a workshop entitled “Poverty and Relationships: Working Toward Success” later that afternoon. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I would get an answer for my question.

It goes back to my childhood. I grew up in poverty. Yet my mother spent  ridiculous amounts on my brother and me at Christmas. She didn’t make much money but ran her credit cards up to their limit then paid for her extravagance all year. Why? Because as we learned in the workshop, one of the driving forces for those in poverty is relationships. Providing those materials things was a way for my mother to express love. And even though I would be considered middle class, recession or no, a pile of presents beneath the tree is also my way of expressing love to my children. That and the fact that they still believe in Santa and wouldn’t understand why he had to cut back this year due to the economy. Hence the record breaking sales.

Unlike my mother, I don’t max out credit cards because I don’t have any. This keeps me out of real financial dire straits: If I don’t have the money, I can’t buy it, no matter how much my children may want it. Still, since Christmas and birthdays are really the only time I give them gifts (non necessities) and I don’t have a workshop to produce them in, I’m grateful for everyday low prices, discounts and sales.

As parents there are countless ways to express our love, and I choose to express mine in this particular way.  Of course just as each parent must decide which holidays to observe/celebrate, each must determine when enough is enough regarding spending. A parent’s willingness or ability is subjective and should be respected by others who do things differently. I’m  grateful that while I figure out the right balance for my family,  certain stores make the process more affordable.

If you’re anything like me, Santa can have his elves. We’ll take retailers!

- Tammi

Photograph courtesy of Bill Roehl.

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Little Moments

Posted on December 7, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I recently had the opportunity to attend a reading party with families from the West side of Cincinnati. This event was hosted by 4C for Children in collaboration with Read Aloud.org. The message delivered at the event was simple – parents can impact their children’s literacy and success in school by reading out loud. Parents who attended were encouraged to read aloud fifteen minutes per day with their children on their lap. During the event parents and children moved to different reading stations where a book was read and parents and their children participate in an activity that related to the book. Hopes were

that the stations would help parents see how reading aloud and interacting with their children through books benefits their learning and development.

Throughout the entire event, there was an air of excitement and joy. Parents and children eagerly moved to each reading station, listened to the story and together participated in an activity or craft. I watched one little boy learn to use scissors for the first time. After listening to a story about trucks, his mother helped him cut out a picture of a dump truck and glue it to a stick. Once done, the boy immediately jumped up, held his truck in the air and yelled,  “Look, I did it! I did it all by myself!”

At the next station I noticed a mother with her four sons. They listened intently to the story and were instructed to put a bus together. The mother gathered her sons at a table and had each child take part in putting the bus together. There was a sense of connectedness as they worked as a family, each doing their part, each waiting their turn and all working together.

So often we hear about what goes wrong in a family – the parents that struggle and the children who are harmed or who lose their way. Often parents are blamed for what they do wrong or are judged for the poor decisions they make. But at this event, I observed a lot of parents doing it right by taking the time to be in the moment with their children. Books and activities were not only used to improve their children’s literacy and learning – but as a way to connect.

At the end of the event, parents were encouraged to stand up and make a pledge that they would read aloud to their children each day. And I feel sure that many of the parents who came to the event will do just that. But I also think about the deeper learning that came out of that event: the importance of getting on the floor, being with your children and accomplishing a task together.  It may seem small to help a child use scissors for the first time or help children work cooperatively together, however, it is my opinion that it is in these very moments that we can each be the parent we really want to be.

- Carolyn

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Social Media – A New Parenting Issue

Posted on December 1, 2011 by | 2 Comments

I love the fact that I can get on Facebook and communicate with my very first college roommate that I haven’t seen in eons. I love that I can share a funny quote or words of encouragement to make someone’s day. But as a parent, the world of social media has led to a new realm of parenting issues. At what age is it okay for children to have their own Facebook account? How much should a parent monitor what is being posted by their child? Should parents accept invites to become Facebook “friends” with a friend of their child?

I often notice when viewing Facebook that some adults and children use social media to flaunt curse words or post inappropriate pictures. And I know it’s easy to get caught up in the writing and sharing but what are they thinking? I dare say they aren’t thinking at all or are not realizing the impact of these words and pictures. Facebook posts can often be a detriment to a career, court appearance, college entrance, or family member. Whether you like it or not, your roommate may not be the only one reading your Facebook posts. It may be a hiring agent looking at your profile to determine your character. It may be a potential client or someone you attend church with. It may be your mother! Imagine finding a profile picture of your 11-year-old kissing an older girl. What are your responsibilities as a parent? If that’s what the public is viewing, what’s happening in private?

And maybe that is part of the problem. With Facebook and other social media, there is often little privacy. Many children do not think through the consequences of sharing with the whole world.

Children aged seven to nine are starting to develop personal opinions and an increasing sense of right and wrong, but that doesn’t mean they are mature enough for a Facebook account. Their reasoning abilities and abstract thinking are still developing.

Moral development is also occurring over time. Parents who take the time to model caring behaviors themselves and discuss issues with children help create an atmosphere for open ended dialogue and a foundation of caring and respect. As a parent I monitor what my children say on Facebook. If I feel it’s inappropriate then I may post a comment to reprimand them “publicly,” or if it’s really inappropriate it gets removed. It may seem picky and minute but I would rather have my children act respectfully and abide by a tried and true principle: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Slide Gurtiza.

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I Want a Cat for Christmas!

Posted on November 22, 2011 by | 3 Comments

Though it’s Thanksgiving week, my children, like many adults, have already made the leap to their Christmas wish list.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Only a few words in this novelty Christmas song have to be substituted to turn into my eight-year-old daughter Liv’s heartfelt plea for a pet. Here’s her version:

I want a kitty cat for Christmas
Only a kitty cat will do
No fruit bats or rats
I only like kitty cats
And kitty cats like me too!

Crazy as it sounds, these modified lyrics are based in reality. Last week while composing his Christmas list, Liv’s six-year-old brother added an illustration of a bunch of grapes next to the bat he’d drawn lest Santa become confused and bring him a vampire bat instead of the fruit bat he really wants.

But little brothers aren’t the only ones who are fond of creatures Liv will definitely leave off of her list. While I was dating their dad, Liv’s three big brothers had a series of rat pets, all named DKR, which was short for Dumb Killer Rat. Thank goodness the last one went to rat heaven (we suspect with a little help from Levi when he unwittingly fed him a rubber band) before our families blended.

Whether Levi had anything to do with the premature death of DKR III or not, the fact that he was suspect raises the question our family has been grappling with for over a year: Are my children ready for a pet? You see, though I’m no fan of rats, I can’t bear to see any animal, no matter how icky, suffer or be smothered. And my children smother animals (with excessive physical attention).

Two years ago, I adopted a sweet-natured male kitten. My kids were crazy about him. And because they were, they drove him crazy. Poor Rory was a gentle soul, but even he could take only so much. Occasionally, after he’d tried unsuccessfully to escape from their loving clutches, he’d resort to violence. To prevent them from being ripped to shreds, I had him declawed. Now he was completely at their mercy. When they didn’t show him much, his teeth became weapons. My warnings to the children about Rory going to a home where he wouldn’t be mistreated fell on deaf ears. But even if they’d listened, Rory eventually blew it with me. I understood why he was miserable, but that didn’t matter when he started spraying everything in sight. I’d had it with all three of them. Liv might like kitty cats, but that feeling wasn’t mutual with her first pet.

Besides “smothering” animals, there’s concern about the amount of responsibility involved in caring for a pet. Like the little girl in the hippopotamus song, Liv claims she will take excellent care of her coveted cat. And she probably would. Until the novelty wears off. Our reluctance stems from the way she keeps her room and the number of times we have to ask her to do things before getting compliance. The same goes for all of her brothers. Which brings me back to the heart of the matter: Are my children ready for a pet?

But how will they ever learn how to treat animals properly and learn to be responsible if they’re not given the opportunity? Sadly, I don’t have the answer. But my husband and I better figure it out because all my daughter reads, writes, draws and talks about is cats. As a matter of fact, the book she wants me to read to her class when I make my Mystery Reader appearance right before the break is The Christmas Kitten.

Hint. Hint.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha.

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The Power of a Helping Hand

Posted on November 15, 2011 by | 2 Comments

You’ve probably heard the saying that “a kind word or a helping hand can go a long way.” For any of us who have ever been in need, we can testify that this saying is true. Krista Ramsey, a Cincinnati Enquirer columnist, recently wrote an article in response to the death of a local child due to abuse and neglect. Ms. Ramsey writes that “we can do more than mourn,” and challenges readers to their part to fight or eliminate child abuse. She contends that most abuse or neglect occurs during times of stress, when parents’ desperate attempts to meet the needs of their family fall short. Ms. Ramsey encourages us to reach out to an isolated parent, provide a kind word to a parent who is overwhelmed or share our own experiences with a parent who seeking some guidance. And I must say I agree with her.

Parent Cafés hosted in Cincinnati’s western communities provide parents with an opportunity to come together and share their worries, ideas and accomplishments. At these events I have witnessed the transformation of many parents. Parents who have felt alone, overwhelmed and devalued leave these events feeling connected, reassured and valued. And what is offered at these events is not a parenting curriculum; it is not tips of what to do or what not to do as a parent. Instead it is parents reaching out to each other. Parents sharing what has worked for them, what they need and what community resources they have found helpful. Each time I attend a Parent Café, I am astounded by parents who are caring, insightful and resourceful. Parents who are willing to give to one another and are also willing to reflect on what they will do differently in order to be the kind of parent they want to be.

I am sharing my experience with you not as a means to market Parent Cafés (although I do think they are fabulous!) but to demonstrate the power that a kind word or helping hand. Over the past few weeks, we have been flooded with images and descriptions of child abuse following the local death of 2-year-old Demarcus Jackson and the national attention on the sex abuse scandal at Penn State. Everyone has questions: How could an adult ever treat a child that way? How did others, aware of what was happening, not come forward? Why do these things continue to happen?

As with so many other tragedies, what is often the hardest to accept is the feeling of powerlessness that occurs in the aftermath. The feeling of hopelessness, that we as a society have not been able to eliminate these tragedies from occurring to our children. But Ms. Ramsey has it right: we do more than mourn. We are entering our holiday season, a perfect time to not only be thankful for what we have but to pay our gratitude forward. I can reach out to my neighbor who is lonely, I can offer a kind word to an overwhelmed parent in the grocery store and I can share my blessings with others. Maybe I cannot impact all of society but I can affect my piece of it, and I know for a fact that a kind word or a helping hand can go a long way. How about you?

- Carolyn

Photograph courtesy of sparky_vision.

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Start a Conversation By Putting Down the Phone

Posted on November 9, 2011 by | 4 Comments

I often wonder what new contraption will be available to my kids five years from now. As it is, I can barely finish texting one reply to my child and I get three new messages!

And it’s not just my kids. I recently witnessed two very young children, maybe only 4 years old, playing with iPhones as they waited for their meals with their family at a restaurant. That seems way too young to me, not to mention my wondering what happened to family talk at the dinner table?

Meaningful human contact is necessary for children’s social and emotional development. Our babies enter the world craving social contact. You can observe this in the way their eyes follow you, the sounds they make and their social smile. When they become toddlers they imitate us as we (hopefully) model appropriate behaviors and emotions. If they don’t get that, how will they ever learn to self-regulate and have any emotional competence? I have seen many a teenager in today’s generation that does not know how to hold a conversation. How will they ever be able to hold down a job?

Dr. Bruce Perry of Early Childhood Today calls self-regulation the “second core strength.” He attests that attentive, caring adults respond to a child’s needs, and their responses provide stimulation that helps the brain develop the capacity to create and maintain healthy emotional relationships.

It’s obvious that phones and computers are a part of life now and that’s not going to change. But how can parents ensure that our kids are getting the nurturing they need in this world of technology? Instead of monitoring the computer, we are going to have to monitor ourselves! It doesn’t mean mom and dad can’t indulge in gadgets, but it does mean we have to be mindful.  Our children are emulating us and we need to practice what we preach. Let your kids see you turn off the computer and read a book. Instead of texting, talk to each other. Make time for family table talk. Endeavor to really communicate with your children and the next time you want to start a conversation, put down the phone.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of horizontal.integration.

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49 Years of Parenting

Posted on October 28, 2011 by | Leave a comment

This past weekend I joined my family in celebrating my parent’s golden wedding anniversary. To say that we have been blessed is obvious to me, and to anyone who knows my parents and my family.

As my family gathered over the weekend, we had opportunities to talk about some of our favorite childhood and adult memories. Some of these memories were related to trips we took or holidays we spent together.  But, there were many more memories shared that related to the day-to-day occurrences or times when each of us kids had gotten into trouble. This made me think that not only have my parents been married for 50 years – but they have been parenting for 49!

Growing up my sister, brothers and I had our share of successes and challenges. We were not “bad kids,” but definitely had times in which our errors in judgment led to upheaval and disappointment. But regardless of what we did or failed to do, we always knew that our parents were in our corner to help us get through whatever crisis or celebrate whatever high point came our way. We also knew – and still know – what is expected of us, the values that are important and the ways in which you show generosity and concern for others. For my parents, I think that their children knowing they were loved and supported and trying to live by the values and expectations they set are indicators of their success.

As parents, it is my opinion that they mine did two specific things that had this type of lasting impact: One was that they were consistent, the other was that they were available.

By being available, I am referring to my parents being present in our lives. Not only did they attend sporting events, art shows and recitals, but they knew what was going on in each of our lives. They knew our friends, they knew what was important to each of us and they listened.  Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely arguments and times we disagreed. But we were allowed to express our feelings and “speak our mind.” They were open to hearing what we had to say and supported our opinions – when they could. They also recognized our talents and strengths and were present to teach perseverance and encourage success.

By being consistent I am not only referencing consistency in discipline or routines, but also that their actions and words matched their values and their expectations. As children we knew what mattered to our parents, not just because they said it but because their actions supported it. Values were evident in daily routines – for example praying before dinner and getting our allowance only when our chores were complete. Expectations were supported by actions – for  example, we were expected to work hard in school.  This meant we did our homework, we listened to teachers and we studied. My parents made sure that homework time was a part of our home routine; they helped us study, checked our work and there was no television until homework was done. When we did our best in school and fell short, we were not in trouble. But if we hadn’t tried our best and got bad grades there was a punishment.

How my mom and dad parented seems simple and practical – their values and expectations matched their words and actions. This style of parenting requires intention and commitment, but it is not complex or costly. As parents we can choose to ensure that our messages come through in our words and our actions. We just need to make sure the messages we send are the ones we want to give!

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of Melchier.

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“No” is a Love Word

Posted on October 20, 2011 by | 5 Comments

When my father-in-law was a guidance counselor, he kept the phrase I’ve used as a title for this blog as a reminder on his desk. Working with kids all day, and going home to eight of his own, I can see how that was probably necessary just to stay sane.

“No” is a love word. I like to think about the power of that sentence. So often we talk about being positive with our children and how telling our children “no” might hinder their self-esteem. But sometimes, a parent just needs to say “no.”

“No” can be said in a loving way, even though it’s hard for some of us to say it! We want our children to have the best, have the things we didn’t have or just enjoy our company. I love the lesson one of my friends preaches, that children need us to “be their parent, not their friend.” Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is when we have to deny our children a request only to meet with obnoxious behaviors. No parent likes the tears, the tantrums and the whining, but sometimes, there’s no way around them. I have learned the hard way that giving in only causes more work for me in the long haul.

I can remember being a new mom of a preemie after having an emergency c-section. I was sore, tired and zombie-like, not wanting to do anything after each and every two hour feeding. But I also had a toddler and a 6-year-old. I know they got away with murder. Sure, go ahead, tear the house up, I’m too tired to do anything about it. Those sanitary pads aren’t stickers, but they peel off the wall just fine.

Boundaries are a gift we can give to our children. We say “no” for their safety: Kids don’t realize the dangers of sticking a shiny fork into the wall socket, and that’s why parents must set and enforce the rules. We say “no” to ensure their health: Kids need more than gummy bears and chicken nuggets at every meal, and a good night of rest.

Don’t feel guilty about saying “no.” We need to express our love to our children, that our decisions are often for their own good. Hopefully one day, when my kids have kids, they’ll thank me.

But I won’t hold my breath.

- Debbie

Photo by II_browneyes_II.

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Fear Fest as Family Fun?

Posted on October 12, 2011 by | 9 Comments

If you’ve ever read my blogs, you may know that I have a “wasband” (was + husband = wasband). As is often the case with divorced parents, we often don’t see eye to eye on parenting. It is not my intention to slam my ex in this post, but the truth of the matter is that divorced people are divorced for a reason. One of our reasons is that we don’t agree on several parenting issues.  That said, I work extremely hard at not letting the children know, see or feel this.

So, the controversial topic on my mind today is taking children to Fear Fest. If you’re from this area or familiar with it at all, you know that this event is held during the Halloween season at King’s Island. Being a natural born scaredy cat, I’ve never attended, but from what I’ve heard, it lives up to its name.

Considering that, I was not happy when my six and eight-year-old came home with tales from their trip to the fest. Apparently attending was the adults’ idea of a Family Fun activity. But I question whether or not it was fun for my son who was terrified that the ghouls and goblins he’d encountered at the fest were lurking outside his bedroom waiting to pounce should he try to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Needless to say, he chose to stay put in bed. You can imagine the end result.

Nor was I pleased to have my kids so wound up following their trip to King’s Island that they didn’t go to sleep until nearly eleven the next night. Both kept talking about werewolves, vampires and mummies who wanted to eat them. Even with all the talking, reassuring and praying that I did with them, their fears were not allayed. This was on Monday night. I can’t imagine what they were like the night they went home from the Fear Fest to their father’s house. There are lots of words my children used to describe their experience. Fun was not one of them.

Again, I’m not gunning for my ex. I’m just asking all parents of young children to consider what constitutes a fun family activity – especially during this season. Perhaps some adults have forgotten what it feels like to be a small child. What is obviously fake to us may seem very real to them. Expecting them to differentiate between the two is not developmentally appropriate. Nor is it fair.

Last year, while Trick or Treating in our neighborhood, my husband, my children and I encountered a house that was over the top with the scary decor. The kids were so petrified by the dead bodies dangling from trees and the corpse that flew at them from a zip line that they froze in their tracks. Their screams of terror reverberated into the night and sent chills up my spine. Seriously? I wanted to ask the adults in that house, Since when did Halloween become about scaring the living daylights out of small children who just want to dress up and get some candy?

It may sound like I’m being harsh, but I thought this holiday was more about fun for the kids than entertainment for the adults. I wish my children’s father had thought more along those lines when he planned to attend Fear Fest as Family Fun. But then again, I guess that’s one of the reasons he’s my wasband.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Brittany Randolph.

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Marshmallows and Mountain Dew

Posted on October 3, 2011 by | 1 Comment

Marshmallows and Mountain Dew for breakfast!? This was my reaction when I recently heard a story about a mother who brought her child to preschool with a bag of marshmallows and a can of Mountain Dew for breakfast.

With obesity now affecting 17 percent of all children and adolescents in the United States, triple the rate from just one generation ago, I cannot believe that there are parents who consciously make such poor nutrition choices for their children. For years I have been a parent supporter and have encouraged others not to judge parents on how they raise their children. My experience has been that all parents want what is best for their children, even though many parent differently than I would. However, I must admit that I cannot help but to judge this parent, as I truly cannot come up with one possible scenario or circumstance that would support the decision to provide this kind of breakfast to a child. Other than to wonder, do we really have parents who do not understand the impacts poor nutrition and obesity have on our children?

My background is not in the medical field, but is in the field of mental health. I have heard, read and experienced enough to know that obesity can lead to health problems for adults, such as diabetes, heart attack, stroke, respiratory illness and joint problems. As parents are we aware that obesity in children can lead to the same health problems? In addition to health problems, many obese children and teens are at greater risk to experience social and psychological problems. Many children struggle to “fit in” with their peers; this struggle affects their confidence, self worth and self image.  In my experience, over-weight children are often ridiculed by their peers, are the target of bullying or are socially isolated as they withdraw from social opportunities due to high levels of anxiety or depression. Certainly there are no parents who would want their child to experience these types of health or social issues. So why then is childhood obesity on the rise?

There are researchers who have investigated this very question and have suggested the accessibility and ease of fast food, children being less active and genetics. And for each of these contributing factors there is information available on how to ensure better nutrition and health for our children. For me, the solution is obvious. Ensuring the wellness of our children has to be a priority. Our children are not automatically resilient. We cannot fool ourselves into thinking that “they are just kids” and that their young bodies and minds can bounce back. We need to teach our children about nutrition, we need to set expectations about exercise and we need to make intentional choices that support the wellness of our children and ourselves.  Does this mean you never give fast food or candy to your child? Not necessarily. But it does mean you intentionally make time to be active with your child, you make sure your child eats well, is hydrated before a sporting activity and you plan and prepare good meals.

I do realize that there are always exceptions and some children because of illness or genetics may struggle with obesity. In writing this, I mean to encourage parents to be aware and intentional about nutritional choices and expectations. Because in my opinion, there really is no excuse for marshmallows and Mountain Dew for breakfast.

- Carolyn

Photograph courtesy of adwriter.

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