The program that chose this modern method of advertising did many things well:

• Highlighted some of the benefits of quality child care, including activities that enhance early development
• Offered parents options to meet their financial and scheduling needs
• Painted a picture of what a child’s day might look like (activities, meals, etc.)
• Provided an overview of their philosophy and educational programs along with locations
• Included an “Ask a Question” link with the advertisement

The last item listed was the one I felt best about as a parent. Curious to learn what questions parents had, I clicked on the link and found they didn’t ask the same things I would have. I wondered, at first, why hadn’t anyone asked about touring the program before taking advantage of the deal, or inquired about the quality of the care and education their child would receive while there? Is it that they didn’t care, or is it that they didn’t know to ask? Having been there myself, I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.

When I needed child care for the first time, I was in a major state of transition. I was newly single, returning to the workforce after staying home for three years and broke. Though a teacher for a decade, I knew virtually nothing about child care and was terrified. So much so that I switched careers and became a center director. That way I knew for sure what was going on with my children! My foray into the early childhood field was supposed to be temporary, but six years later, my job is to share my experience in order to help other parents move out of that scary unknown child care place into a place of being educated, equipped and empowered.

If only I’d known back then what I know now! In sharing what I now know, I use this CARE acronym to summarize how parents can get started:

Contact 4C. You’ll learn what to look for in a quality setting, what questions to ask and whether you may be eligible for financial assistance.  4C does not make recommendations, but we do offer free referrals. There are three ways we can help you find child care.

Ask questions. What type of care works best for your family’s needs and schedule? Ask about vacancies, ages served, cost, location, hours and days of operation. And don’t forget to ask the six questions for providers:

1. What training have caregivers received on how to care for children?
2. How will my child learn and grow?
3. What shows it’s a healthy and safe place?
4. How is family involvement encouraged?
5. Is this program quality-rated, accredited or working toward it?
6. How well is the program managed?

Research. Visit and interview two or three places. Spend about one hour at each program while children are there. Observe the program in action.

Evaluate. Ask for and check references. Evaluate each program using 4C checklists. Keep in mind what is best for your child and family’s needs!

The child care advertisement that caught my eye is really no different than a friend referring you to a center. In either case, you should educate yourself on what to look for in a quality setting and then equip yourself with the information to make the best decision. Making these choices isn’t always easy, but it’s always important, so a discount or freebie shouldn’t cause you to lower your standards when weighing your options.

If you follow the suggested tips above, you’ll feel empowered to select the best possible care and education for your child, regardless of its cost.

Now that’s a good deal.

- Tammi

As I was being wheeled into the elevator to go home with our baby, I started crying. Uncontrollably. I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility.  I began to doubt my capabilities. Would I be a good mom? I wondered, among countless other things, if I would be able to take care of all of her needs.

Four years later, when we found out we were pregnant with our son, Jared, I questioned how I could love another child as much as I loved Gabrielle. But my heart was already overflowing with love for them both, and later, their brother Jansen, too.

Being a mom is the role of a lifetime. My children have become my greatest teachers. Having a daughter with special needs and two boys who are typically developing has enriched my perspective on everything.

As Gabrielle’s student, I’ve learned to be trusting. At age four, Gabrielle was admitted into the hospital for her first seizure. I felt helpless because I could not protect her. Sensing what I might be feeling, my young daughter put her little hand in mine as she was falling asleep. Her loving gesture gave me confidence and without words, she told me that I had her trust. Gabrielle has also taught me to be compassionate and joyful. Gabrielle experiences seizures daily and she is always smiling. It’s impossible not to smile with her.

Jared has taught me to have fun. Rainy day? Why not make a slide out of the wet, muddy grass? Instead of stressing over his dirty clothes, I find myself right there with him.

And Jansen holds me accountable for my actions. If I talk the talk, he gently reminds me to walk the walk. When I am annoyed with someone, he inadvertently reminds me to look to my own behavior, almost effortlessly employing the lessons I have imparted to him over the years.

I am grateful for my children.  They challenge me daily to become a better person, and by extension, a better mom.

- Diann

Photo courtesy of Justin Ford.

“At what age do you think it’s okay to start allowing children freedom to express their sexuality?”

Since I have teens, this question I found posed online grabbed my attention. My jaw dropped as I skimmed through the comments! Many of those commenting equated “expressing sexuality” with engaging in sexual activity. This just isn’t true.

Children are born curious about their own bodies. It is not uncommon for a baby boy to have an erection, but it has nothing to do with sexual feelings. Older infants discover their genitals in much the same way they have discovered their hands and proceed to suck their thumbs. It’s a self-soothing behavior.

Toddlers are always ripping their diapers off and don’t have an issue running around naked! Maybe clothes feel restricting or tearing through the house naked gets grandma’s attention. We teach our kids to name body parts and getting familiar with the potty so it seems only natural to be touching or looking at these areas. Each family has to set boundaries, decide what is appropriate when, where and in front of whom.

Preschoolers love to play dress-up and your son may prefer throwing on a prom dress and fairy wings while your daughter puts on a man’s tie. This is the age of imagination! Young children are curious and playing is how they learn. All the fun questions start, too. “Why don’t I have a penis like my brother?” “Where do babies come from?” Many of us worry about going into long, embarrassing lectures, but at this point short and sweet is probably all they are looking for.

Some parents freak out if they notice their child touching himself openly, or even when they’re half asleep. This is normal behavior. It’s best not to overreact. Try to resist the urge to say things like, “Stop touching yourself there, that’s nasty!” No need to criticize your child for being curious about his body, but explain that it may be more appropriate if done in private.

Children are often curious about their friends’ bodies, as well. When my daughter was 5 she came running to me because one of her friends wanted to kiss her tummy. She wasn’t keen on that and we talked about it before they returned to playing dolls.

As our children approach puberty their sexual feelings become more apparent. Just because the physical feelings are there doesn’t mean their mind is mature enough to handle a sexual relationship. This is another time to set boundaries about what is appropriate. Sitting too close on the living room couch? Kissing in public? These are important conversations to have, and often come hand-in-hand with the hard questions. “If I have to do it, can I keep my clothes on?” “Did you practice abstinence, mom?” Once my children asked if their dad and I ever “did it.” I said yes, three times! Once for each child. They gave big moans, ughhhh. They still thought open-mouth kissing was gross.

Sex is a curious topic no matter what age. As they continue to grow up, my children have caught me off guard more than once with their questions about sex. I may feel a twinge of embarrassment at first, but I feel privileged that they trust me enough to ask.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of eyeliam.

My two nephews are very close in age and were raised in the same environment. Though they have learned similar ways to express feelings or problem solve, they have distinctly different temperaments. Nate, the oldest, was easy as a child. He slept anywhere, ate whatever you gave him and was happiest when he was around others. His brother Luke, however, had colic as a baby. He needed routines when it came to bed time, tolerated only certain foods and though social, he was also easily amused playing by himself. As they have grown, I have noticed that these traits still show up. Nate is the class clown. Luke is well organized and while he enjoys his friends, he’s more of a leader.

As parents, the differences in our children obviously impact our parenting. How we teach, respond or discipline children must change to meet the needs of the child. How can we not only respond differently to children based upon their traits, but also support their individuality?

A friend of mine was recently talking about her child being “too sensitive.” As we talked, it became clear to me that she was afraid her child would be easily hurt by others. She was trying to identify ways to “toughen” her up and balance out her sensitivity. I encouraged her to think instead about the positive aspect of her child’s sensitivity: her daughter’s empathy and ability to understand others’ feelings. Was this something she wanted to change? By the end of the conversation the focus had changed from her wanting to change her daughter to thinking about ways she could support her and see her sensitivity as a strength versus something that needed to be fixed.

As parents it is certainly our job to teach our children the skills they need to navigate the world–and some things need to be “fixed” or changed. However, I think who our children are at their core, the traits that define who they are – those we need to nurture.

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of Shem Bisluk.

Two weeks ago, I took my seven and eight-year-old in for their annual well child visit. The first thing their doctor said after she walked in the room and looked at the chart the nurse had just updated with their height and weight was, “Both of your children are alarmingly underweight.” I’d had some concerns last year when my daughter Liv was in the 1^st percentile, and I’d voiced those during last year’s well visit with this same doctor. She’d told me not to worry, laughing and saying, “Look at her mother.” I reminded her of this conversation and asked, “What’s different this year?” Her response was scathing, “Last year she was at the bottom of the growth chart. This year, she’s fallen completely off.” I had to bite my tongue from coming back with, “Are you kidding me right now?”

In that moment, I felt sympathy for my mother. I remember discussions among various adults about my brother and I being “malnourished”. We were no such thing; we were just skinny as rails, probably because we were high energy, like my kids. But that didn’t stop the threat of Child Protective Services being called in. Nearly four decades later as I sat helplessly while my children were interrogated about what I feed them daily, I felt my mom’s pain. Despite them naming items from all the food groups, the doctor eyed us all skeptically and scribbled something on her pad.

Referral to Children’s Hospital and her growth chart in hand, Liv and I saw the nutritionist a few days later (I wasn’t about to risk not acting quickly enough). Though Levi is also “underweight”, he weighs more than his sister and so didn’t get a referral of his own; I was just instructed by the doc to apply whatever I learned about proper nutrition to him as well.

Fearing a reprimand more severe than the doctor’s, I nearly cried tears of relief when  the nutritionist greeted us warmly, took one look at me and chuckled, “Well, that explains it.”

Following a non-threatening series of questions about our family’s eating habits, I learned what I already knew: my children eat well-balanced, healthy, nutritious meals. Still, I’d arrived at the appointment willing to make whatever changes necessary for Liv to get back on that growth chart. Turns out I should add more fat and sugar to her diet, like ground beef instead of the ground turkey I cook with.  And sweets! In moderation, of course. And I need to give her Boost or Kid’s Essential drinks to supplement the large amounts of Vitamin D milk she already drinks.

The good news is, even though Liv is a size 6x, just like I was at her age, according to her growth chart she’ll end up right about 5’1” and a hundred something pounds. A mini-me. The sad news is I’m switching pediatricians. Not because she referred us to the nutritionist, but because of her implication that I was either ignorant or negligent or both. She should’ve known from years of dealing with me that I’m on board with anything that will help my children thrive.

What we expect as parents is that the professionals in our lives will not view us as part of the problem, but partner with us to find solutions. The ability to recognize a parent’s strengths and a situation for what it is, like a simple case of like petite mother, like daughter, are qualities I’ll be looking for in our next pediatrician.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Elliot Margolies.

On Tuesday, I sat feeling angry and helpless through my son’s baseball game, watching everyone else’s son play except mine. The season started two weeks ago. Fourteen games later and Jared, my 16-year-old son, has only played a total of three innings!

I know Jared is feeling angry and defeated. Watching him experience this mixture of emotions got me thinking about a Milton Creagh seminar I attended a few years ago. Creagh is the author of Nobody Wants Your Child and writes that today’s parents are not equipping children with the necessary skills to thrive in the world. According to Milton, many parents want to protect their children from negative experiences, even if they are not in any real harm. Milton believes that it’s okay for children to feel badly sometimes, and that it’s important that our children learn through these experiences. Children of all ages are going to fall down and get hurt, literally and figuratively! They need to learn that when they fall down, they need to get right back up and keep trying. Through failure, we all learn to cope.

My initial instinct was to protect my son from the pain of rejection, humiliation and failure. I did not want his self esteem to suffer nor did I want him to feel bad and think he was not a good enough player. I wanted to call the coach and demand that Jared play, but instead of shielding him or going to his defense, what I needed was to equip him with essential tools he needed to succeed. When I asked Jared why he wasn’t playing, he explained he wasn’t hitting consistently. I knew this was hard for him to admit, and I acknowledged his feelings. Then we discussed what his goals were and how he was going to accomplish them. He knew he wanted to improve but it would take motivation, self-discipline and hard work to earn more playing time.

Between now and May 5, the end of baseball season, I will check my feelings at the gate and allow my son to learn how to be resilient. The only way for parents to teach their children this life lesson is not to intervene every time something does not go their child’s way… even when that’s harder for us than it is for them!

- Diann

Photo courtesy of Jackie Popp.

In my daughter’s eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an’ wise,
And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see:
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter’s eyes.

The lyrics to this Martina McBride song always make me tear up, because I often feel like I am letting my children down. I am a far cry from being a hero and some days a poor excuse for a role model. I have two daughters, 27 months apart, that always seem to be vying for my attention. Just the other day, my middle daughter flat out told me, “I feel like we never have any time together. You are always tending to (older brother) or (younger sister).”  With a dramatic eye roll, she added, “You know, middle child syndrome, mom.” Our conversation definitely didn’t make me feel like a hero.

I do feel flattered that she wants my attention, but I thought I had already been giving it. I wake my children up for school in the morning, make what passes for “breakfast” in our house and confirm that everybody has their key with them. Sometimes I feel more like a manager than a mom. I come home from a day at work noticing what they have failed to do, like clean up the kitchen, walk the dog, get their homework started, empty laundry baskets, etc. What my children haven’t done I do, and I feel like everything I do is for them.

Isn’t it funny how we define attention, though? My children don’t see these things the same way. What more can we give our children when it already feels like we give so much?

When my son and oldest daughter were little, I gave them a book called I Love You the Purplest.  It was such a delight that I shelved it for their future. The story is about two brothers seeking their mother’s attention and questioning who she loves the best. She speaks of how she loves both of them by attending to each one’s special and individual gifts. One of them is loved the “reddest” and the other the “bluest” which when combined creates the “purplest.” She poetically elaborates on each one’s uniqueness and how the love they generate is different but equal.

I was thinking of this book again recently when my middle daughter was eating dinner and no one else was around. I sat with her at the table and started a conversation about her day. Then I said, “Do you know when I baked the potatoes today my microwave was speaking French?” She grinned sheepishly, because I’d known she was the one who reprogrammed the microwave because she’s been taking French in school. She started spouting off words she had been learning and after a moment showed me how she had programmed the microwave to read another language.

Our talk deepened as we discussed the Sasquatch Club (apparently lots of students are looking for Big Foot in Southwestern Ohio), and other things that were going on in her life and at school. It was a simple conversation. It was meaningful. It was about my child.

And it only required that we each open up a little bit, to see how red or blue or purple our love for each other is.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Natashi Jay.

Child abuse and neglect is an issue that for many of us seems to be more about other people. I would say that many of us believe that being abusive or neglectful to children is something we don’t have to worry about.  We may utter statements like, “I would never hurt my child,” or “I would never leave my child with a person I didn’t know.” We may make judgments about parents who abuse or mistreat their children: “You have to get a license to drive, but anybody in this country can be a parent!” And we may become outraged when we hear about children being abused, abandoned or killed. Yet when we hear the term child abuse and neglect we turn away, or avoid the topic because we feel it does not pertain to us.

Last week I received a call from a mother who was seeking help. She stated that she was struggling with her 12-year old son who was not only acting up at home but getting in trouble at school.  She clearly felt overwhelmed as she reported that she had never had this kind of problem with him before and really wasn’t sure what to do.  She mentioned that she spanked him for the first time because she was simply at a loss. As we talked, one of the things I admired about her was that she was not looking for a “quick fix” for her son but really wanted to find a way to be a good parent and deal with this current challenge. She was reaching out for help and for ideas.

Reaching out and asking for help is a big step. Many parents who abuse or neglect their children fail to take this step, either because they don’t see the problem for what it is or because they don’t know who to call. Stories and mug shots on the news of parents, guardians or “boyfriends” who abuse or neglect children are far too common. Certainly someone in the lives of these children had to see something, some indication that the children were at risk? Obviously parents are the first line of defense; they are the ones who need to protect their children.  Is anyone else to blame? If we turn away and do nothing, are we to blame?

I do not believe that we can stop everything bad from happening. I do, however, believe that we can help prevent more than we do. The Ohio Children’s Trust Fund wants us to PAUSE, pay attention and do what we can to help strengthen our families. The mother who called me the other day paused and took the time to seek help and I paused from my work to listen and offer what I could – and maybe this will make a difference for that child and that parent.

- Carolyn

“You never really know someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”

There are as many translations of this saying as there are variations of it. A few days ago, my daughter invited me to join her for a walk in the woods, and it took on a whole new meaning for me.  One-on-one time with my two children is rare.  When her younger brother fell asleep late in the afternoon, Liv seized the chance to have her mommy to herself and to give me a glimpse of the woods from her perspective.

As we set out, I was amazed by how agile and lithe my daughter is. Watching her spindly legs trek down the steep path in girly girl shorts and UGG boots, it really hit me that she’s not a baby anymore. Though eight, she’s the size of a six-year-old and doesn’t look like she’d be strong enough to climb the steep, slippery embankments, but girlfriend left me in the dust. When I told her I needed to find a good walking stick for myself, her response was comical, especially since it was delivered in that “Uh, really” tone of voice she’s developed lately. “Did you always need a stick? I mean when you were younger?” I wanted to say, “No, I just started needing one since I entered my dotage.”

Once I’d finally slipped and slid my way to the playhouse, Liv gave me the grand tour. It consisted of the entrance ramp, a cozy corner filled with collections, an alarm system, a spot for star gazing, and get this – a zip line! Liv proudly pointed out each of these features and provided warnings, descriptions and demonstrations.

“Here’s the ramp up. Use your stick, Mommy!” (Talk about feeling geriatric). “This is the cozy corner where you can relax or read a book,” then “Check out our worms. We made a natural habitat for them by putting dirt in a kitty litter jug and leaving the lid unscrewed. And here’s a cool animal skull!” By this point, I’m thinking, Seriously? and could barely choke out an, “I see.” But I wasn’t about to touch!

Next she sounded the alarm by banging a stick against a rusted canister – “Just in case there’s an emergency and we need to alert the adults.” With the grace of a deer, she leaped from the playhouse to the stargazing deck and lay down on her back gazing up into the sky as if she could envision it full of stars. Before I could get a “Be careful!” out, she’d grabbed a rope and used it to propel herself between the two trees they’d ingeniously strung it between.

Heading back, I watched in awe as my beautiful, brave, child crossed the creek that led home. Somehow, she looked different to me. Maybe that’s because I’d learned some things about her. Like that she’s fearless, resourceful and more intelligent than I’d suspected. Things I think she’s known for a while. And wanted me to realize, too.

Walking in my daughter’s shoes and seeing the woods through her eyes, I shifted my thinking about them. And her. She doesn’t seem like a fragile porcelain baby doll any more, and I think that’s a good thing.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Rob Patrick.

When my father passed last Christmas, part of me was in denial. For two years I had known that he had congestive heart failure, but he didn’t look any different; he was still my dad! My daughter, now 19, was also attached to him like glue. Gabrielle, too, had a chronic condition as well as developmental delays. She instinctively knew he was sick and would not leave his side. They would sit together on the couch, he sleeping while she read books.

We had six months to prepare for his loss.  I picked out books for Gabrielle to read, including The Two of Them by Aliki, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Busgalia and When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers. We read them daily. Gabrielle responded the best to The Two of Them, as it described a warm, loving relationship between a young girl and her grandfather. In the book when the girl becomes a young lady, her grandpa grows old and sick and she cares for him with the same amount of love he had always shown her as a child. We both liked that part.

It was important to me that all three of my children were there for him, just like I was, and their dad, too. What tools or experiences did I want to give my children in regards to the death of a beloved relative? How could I teach my children to grieve, to be part of the experience of helping their sick grandparent? Part of their learning was in observing me. And part of it was in how I accepted them and their feelings.

I want my children to have a healthy view of death. As hard as it was for me to see my dad die, the experience itself was healing, therapeutic and spiritual, and it was one I was glad to share with my whole family. I was able to help care for and provide comfort and love to a man who had done the same for me my whole life. Even though I was grieving, I still had to be a mom. I still had to meet my children’s needs, and learn to accept that they might grieve differently than me. I had to be patient.

To help prepare my sons, who were 14 and 10 at the time, I encouraged them to talk, draw or write about their feelings or about the special times they shared with my dad. After he died, we shared our favorite memories of him. We also made a collage of pictures of our favorite moments with grandpa and hung it in the hallway of our home. Through activities like these, I hope that my children will learn to honor their feelings, including their sadness. But I also want them to rejoice and be glad that a loved one is in a much better place. I want them to celebrate their grandparents.

Although I am cautiously optimistic about the outcome of my mother-in-law’s treatment, I know my family will need to be prepared for whatever may come.  Just showing up daily and being present with grandma has been important for all of us, and I can trust that this is something we will go through together, supporting each other.

- Diann

Photo courtesy of Wes Browning.