Category Archives: Parenting

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire!

Posted on March 6, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Someone tells a little white lie, twists the truth just a tad, changes their story, or misrepresents themselves. It happens. Unfortunately for many parents, it may be their children who are lying!

Lying is a normal part of growing up. Very young children may embellish stories or tell fibs without realizing they are doing so. They may not have the words to say what they want, or the ability to reason as an older child would. It’s common for toddlers or preschoolers to be involved in “wishful thinking.” Meaning, they didn’t intend for something to happen, so in their mind, it didn’t. As children develop and are able to make the connection between cause and effect, this type of thinking becomes more concrete.

As children get a little older, they may feel the need to brag to gain approval from friends. The school-age years may be the most difficult developmental time for dealing with lying. Children are gravitating towards creating relationships with friends and slowly pulling away from parents. So, distancing themselves from mom and dad may mean leaving out specific details, testing boundaries and being protective of their friends.

When we catch our child in a lie, do we lecture, punish or ignore it? I suggest we reframe the question and ask instead, “What can we do to help our children value honesty?”

Start early! Keep the lines of communication open. Have family meals and family meetings to discuss non-threatening issues. Encouraging non-judgmental “table talk” lets your child know you are interested in what he or she has to say. Give your children routines, limits and age-appropriate boundaries. The hardest part for many parents is enforcing the rules every time.  Be consistent!

Sometimes a child may lie to avoid talking about sensitive or embarrassing topics.  She may feel intimidated or coerced into a lie to protect someone she loves. Assure your child that even adults have embarrassing things happen at times and it’s always best to tell the truth. Try saying something like, “I appreciate how hard it may have been for you to say that  out loud, and I am proud of you for telling the truth.”

Remember, all children’s behaviors have a purpose. Even lying.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of a4gpa.

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Read Aloud to Children, Every Day!

Posted on March 1, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Last week I attended a kick-off for the ReadAloud awareness campaign. ReadAloud.org is promoting the practice of parents reading aloud to their children for 15 minutes a day.  The campaign tag line – Read Aloud. 15 minutes. Every child. Every parent. Every day. –  is being introduced throughout the Cincinnati region with the hopes to increase parent awareness and implementation of this practice.

Throughout the kick-off event numerous speakers presented facts about the importance of reading aloud to children. Speaker after speaker presented the benefits of this practice. And it became clear that by reading aloud to children on our laps, especially our young children, we promote their brain development, we encourage and increase their language and literacy skills, we increase our bond with our children and we prepare them for success in school! So with all this obvious benefit, why don’t more parents read to their children? Why do statistics show that less than 40 percent of our children are read to daily?

My immediate reaction is to think that parents do not realize the tremendous benefits that come from the simple practice of reading aloud. Because truly if they did, they would find a way to make it happen, wouldn’t they? Parents know the benefits related to their children eating well, getting enough sleep and practicing good hygiene. Parents make sure their children brush their teeth, learn to tie their shoes and use good manners. Parents teach children to share with others, respect their elders and use their words to ask for what they want. And if parents do all these things then surely they read aloud to their children, right?

What is often true is that parents parent the way they were parented. I can remember my parents reading stories to myself and my siblings. But they did not do this daily. Other things, like prayers before bed, brushing my teeth and eating dinner with my family were a part of my daily routine and it is these things that show up in the way that my siblings and I raise our children. So I can’t help but think if we had been read to everyday, would we being doing it now as parents?  I think so.

Throughout my years of working with parents and families, I would venture to say that 99 percent of the parents I have met want what is best for their children. They want their children to have friends, do well in school, excel in their talents and grow-up safe. And most of these parents look for ways to help their children reach these goals.  Because what wouldn’t a parent do for their child? Research has shown that if a child is not reading at grade level by the end of first grade, then there is an 88 percent probability the child will not be reading at grade level by the end of the fourth grade. And by age 4, children who are read aloud to regularly have heard an average of 32 million more words than children who are not.

Our parents may not have known the benefits of reading aloud to children everyday. But we do. The research has been done and the word is out! By reading aloud 15 minutes everyday to our children we can help them be successful in school, build their language skills and feel safe on our laps. Help me spread the word that reading aloud is just as important as washing hands and brushing teeth, and it is something as parents we can do for our children. Because there really isn’t anything we would not do for our kids.

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of Sean Dreilinger.

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Carpe Kairos

Posted on February 23, 2012 by | 1 Comment

As a blogger, I’m always curious about what others write, but was especially intrigued by the title of a post, “Don’t Carpe Diem,” that a coworker sent my way. In it, the brave blogger (I’ll refer to her as BB) admitted that she doesn’t enjoy every single moment of parenting. Some of you may be saying, Shut your mouth! Not I. I get her.

Seize the day. I’ve always embraced the philosophy.  I’d never considered another perspective until I read BB’s. This quote sums up her heartfelt view: “Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.” While this may not win her any parenting popularity points, if you’re anything like me, it does make you go ‘hmm.’

BB likens parenting to climbing Mount Everest. She supposes people try it because, “Even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard.” Then she suggests if there were veteran climbers stationed all along it encouraging them to enjoy every single moment and yelling to the climbers – “CARPE DIEM!” they might get thrown from the mountain.

I’ve had a few of those less proud ‘throw the well meaning older woman from the cliff moments’. While my children were being unholy terrors, she told me how adorable they were. Listening to her, I watched helplessly as they wreaked havoc on other shoppers with our cart. In that moment, I wondered if it would be easier to throw myself off instead! BB has given me permission to admit that I don’t Carpe Diem every second of every day with my children. Ahh, confession is good for the soul. And it’s freeing.

Now that I’ve fessed up to the fact that Carpe Diem doesn’t always work for me, I can let the notion of always trying to live it go. Doing so opens me up to embrace some new ways of looking at time with my children. Chronos time is one of them.

BB described Chronos time as, “what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time.” No wonder I’m exhausted!

Considering Chronos time, I’m all the more thankful for Kairos time. BB calls it God’s time. “It’s those magical moments in which time stands still.” BB is grateful she has a few of these moments each day and she cherishes them, as do I. As BB shares how she moves between being stuck in Chronos to being transported to Kairos, I’m struck by the beauty of BB’s words because they echo my heart:

“Like when I’m stuck in Chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of Chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their healthy bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just start at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.”

What about you? Even if you don’t Carpe Diem, or can’t Carpe Chronos, how about trying to Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day?

- Tammi

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Financial Health for Kids

Posted on February 15, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Some recent financial troubles in my home made me realize that I wanted to teach my children how to live life well by giving them the gift of financial health. By managing my own finances wisely, I could pass this valuable lesson on to my children. I needed to get my own affairs in order, first! After attending a financial health class, I remember painstakingly cutting up all of my credit cards and creating a list of debts to hang on the refrigerator. As I paid off each debt, I crossed it off. It was a visual for the entire family to see, and a very powerful tool.

I needed to do more than model for my children, though. There’s a Native American saying I used as a guide: “Tell me, and I’ll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and I’ll understand.”

By having my children work and get paid, I am involving them and teaching them about the value of saving and spending wisely. Our kids are now required to put 50% of any money they get from gifts, chores or other things into their own savings account. There was a lot of groaning at our house, at first, but in July I started to match what my children are putting into their accounts and they are excited to see their balances grow. Children of all ages can benefit from these kinds of activities!

Give 3-to-6 year-olds small, manageable chores. Instruct children to return their toys to a designated basket at cleanup time. At this age, pay them immediately. This provides instant positive reinforcement and young children are more willing to do the chore the next time. Small children learn to save and spend money with visual aids. Using a clear container for their money allows them to see savings go up as money goes in, and when spending their money, they see their money go down.

For 7-to-12-year-olds, a chore list with an assigned dollar value to the specific chores works well. At this age, pay day should be once a week when the work is completed. Older kids can also be given two envelopes to divide money earned between spending and saving.  Spending at this age fosters problem-solving skills because they learn to spend their earned money differently than money just given to them.

Which isn’t to say that some chores aren’t completed without pay! My kids are part of our family and expected to contribute, but I take advantage of the many teachable moments that are offered by compensating my children for performing some tasks around the house. And they’ve learned! When I use my debit card to pay for something instead of cash, my kids bust me every time. I can always rely on my children to be my financial compass, and I do the same thing for them. When they want to go out for dinner or buy something we can’t afford, like a new cell phone, we always look at their savings and our family budget. When the money’s not there, I love to blame it on the budget.

And when they ask me to put some more money in the budget? I tell them to head out back and shake the money trees in the yard! We were living paycheck to paycheck, but now we have a plan and we regularly see the results of our efforts as a family.

- Diann

Photo courtesy of Carissa Rogers.

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A New “Baby” in the House

Posted on February 8, 2012 by | 1 Comment

From the moment we find out we are pregnant, we start planning and dreaming about what our baby is going to be like. Who will he look like? What name will suit her? Will I work or can I afford to stay at home? Can I afford quality child care? One thing is certain, a baby changes everything!

I feel a little like a new mom with my “fourth” child: a new puppy. Not unlike a surrogate mother, our breeder kept us anticipating the arrival, sending weekly posts with pictures. We weren’t sure which pup we would end up bringing home but we were already planning how wonderful he would be.

On the first night in his new home, Elvis gave me a taste of having a very needy newborn again. I had been asleep for about two hours when he whimpered and whined to get out of his bed. I hesitated, wondering whether to get up or roll back to sleep. Just like a baby, I thought, on his own schedule rather than mine!

Like a baby, too, Elvis is busy exploring his world, sometimes with disastrous consequences. Not only did we witness him swallow a sock, he produced another one, as well as a furry shoe insole! Babies will put anything they can find in their mouths! Keeping Elvis calm on the way to the vet reminded me of the many coping mechanisms I used to use in the car with my children, sitting in the backseat with them in rear-facing car seats, tapping their pacifiers to help them feel comfortable. Do they make pacifiers for puppies?

But there are real joys to having a “baby” in the house, too. Just like we hope parents do with human babies, I get down on the floor and play with Elvis at his level. I’m consistent with him when he needs discipline, and I follow his cues for meal times and “potty training.” At the end of the day it’s important to remember that with parenting it’s not the planning, the expectations or wondering about the path not taken. It’s about enjoying the journey you’re on.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of smlp.co.uk.

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Validating Children’s Feelings

Posted on February 2, 2012 by | 13 Comments

As a family therapist I witnessed many children experience incredible losses and crises which often left them feeling sad, frustrated, angry and hopeless.  I have also had children in my everyday life feel disappointed or mad because they didn’t get a treat they wanted or feel sad or rejected because they weren’t invited to a friend’s birthday party. Regardless of the child or the situation, it is difficult to watch children deal with this range of “negative” feelings. Most parents want to protect children from feeling any pain. However, I must admit that I have learned that not only is it impossible to protect the children in my life from negative or painful feelings, it is often not as helpful as I would have hoped.

Years ago I had the honor of working with a very strong and resilient 5-year-old girl.  She had experienced incredible trauma in her life, compounded by her mother’s death. When I met her she was living in foster care and was beginning to feel safe enough to share the losses she had experienced in her very short life. She often became tearful as she shared her memories of her mother and expressed anger about her mother not being there for her. Her foster mother, who was a very caring and compassionate woman, would often try to soothe the child by offering explanations and words of comfort.  She would say things like, “Your mother is in heaven with the angels,” or “Your mother isn’t really gone, she is lives on in your heart.” The girl’s response?  “I don’t care – I want my mom!”

The foster mother’s attempts to comfort and remove pain had the opposite effect. What the girl wanted was comments that validated her feelings. Statements that reflected her feelings like, “You are sad because you miss your mom,” had much more of an impact than any attempts to protect her from her pain. When her feelings were accepted she would continue to share them and any acts of rage or yelling would cease.

We need to accept and allow children to express their full range of emotions. When we listen, we show children that their feelings are real and important. Accepting children’s feelings also doesn’t mean we have to accept every way their feelings are expressed.  Parents can validate children’s feelings without supporting negative behaviors that occur as a result, though this can be be quite tricky. As children’s behaviors escalate it is natural to want to redirect the negative behavior and “get the child under control.” What has worked for me is to first validate the feelings and then direct the behavior.  By doing this, the children in my life have felt heard and understood which has often resulted in a decrease in the negative behaviors.

No matter how hard it is to see a child upset or in pain, I have found that the best way to soothe and comfort is to accept how they feel.  Likewise I have found that the best way to respond to a happy child is to accept their joy and join in on their fun!

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of damejoys.

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Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Posted on January 10, 2012 by | 1 Comment

We often avoid the outdoors in winter, nestled by the fire with our hot cocoa and a good book. But think about what we’re missing! Outdoor play in the winter, when dressed warmly and appropriately, can be an adventure.

Don’t just build a snowman. See how creative your family can be! Try building a fort or an entire snowman family. Go sledding down the backyard hill. Or, just go for a walk to glimpse the beauty of icicles hanging in the tree branches. No snow?  Explore the different types of trees, and how differently they look in the winter. Go cloud gazing, pointing out the different shapes. Collect pine cones and make a bird feeder.  What kinds of animals do you see playing in the cold?

We all need to get outside to burn energy and use our muscles, and fresh air is a must all times of year! Studies have shown that contrary to the common belief that exposure to cold air causes us to “catch a cold,” it’s more likely that spending long periods of time in small, poorly ventilated areas is the culprit. In fresh, outdoor air, the chance for spreading infection is reduced.

Not only is outdoor time a good practice for families, it’s also good for children in child care situations. While adults that have to bundle up twelve preschoolers to take them outside for playtime may be grumbling as they look for hats and mittens, 4C early childhood specialists agree that the benefits are worth it!

It is up to the child care provider to monitor the weather conditions and make sure our children are safe but there are precautions that can be taken. Some states have even adopted a green, yellow or red guideline system for teachers to use when determining if it’s too cold for kids to play outside. I encourage you to ask how much time your children are spending outside in their child care programs!

So dress appropriately, hydrate yourself and your child and get out there and have some fun!

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Belzie.

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I Got a Kitty Cat for Christmas!

Posted on January 5, 2012 by | 2 Comments

Back at Thanksgiving, I blogged about how a kitty cat was at the top of my daughter’s Christmas wish list. At the time, my husband and I were still discussing whether or not she and our family were ready for a pet. Though the final decision required much deliberation and a little disagreement, an adorable female calico kitten joined our family a few days before Christmas Eve.  Liv was rendered joyously speechless when I walked into the house with the pet she had been   longing for in my arms.

As a matter of fact, I cried when I first saw her myself. I’m biased, but I think her picture speaks for itself. I’ve saved this one as my computer backdrop. In short, I’m as in love with her as Liv is. Now that I have her, I realize how much I missed having a pet in the house. Much of the holiday was spent with each of us holding her and watching her play. The way she has brought our family together makes it feel a little more like a home.

Skylar not only looks like a lady, for the most part she acts like one. She’s sweet, gentle and loving. If you ask nicely, she’ll give you a kiss with her sandpaper tongue. If you aren’t paying her enough attention, she’ll lay a paw on your arm to get it. She’s an utter cuddle cat. Unless there’s food around. Then she morphs into a manic cat on a mission. In a flash she leaps from chair to chair onto the kitchen table on the quest for a nibble of whatever her humans are eating.  “What? I just want a sip,” she’s saying in the above shot.

Finding ways to manage this one quirk in Skylar’s behavior is all a part of the adjustment process for our family. Thankfully, the concerns about whether my younger children could care for and treat a pet responsibly and respectfully have not been much of an issue. So far, they’re doing well. I suspect it’s because they are now old enough to fully understand the expectations. And the consequences if they aren’t kind to the cat (they had to wait almost two years before we tried having a pet again after our first failed attempt).

Unfortunately, we are having some issues with how the older boys treat the cat. Despite the fact that they obviously adore her, they don’t seem to be able to approach her without assuming a menacing crouch or making hissing noises. When they do pick her up, they tend to hold her high above their heads like they’re about to drop her. Confused and more than a little perturbed by this, I asked them not to do it. One response was, “We always did this with our other cats. They liked it.” Somehow I doubt that.  Now I’m doing a little challenging behavior management with them and coaching them on how to play with Skylar in a way that is not only fun for them, but for her too.

One of the reasons I felt so strongly about the children having a pet was that I believe there are valuable lessons to be learned from being responsible for the well being of another living creature. I’m discovering that these lessons aren’t just for young children. Sometimes older children have to learn appropriate behaviors or unlearn inappropriate ones as well.

Being given this valuable opportunity to help my stepsons develop their nurturing side is another reason I’m so glad Liv got a kitty cat for Christmas.

- Tammi

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Posted in Family, Family Pets, Parenting

Enjoying the Present

Posted on December 27, 2011 by | Leave a comment

As I sat to write this bChristmas Eve by Jim Pennuccilog, I struggled to find inspiration.  This somewhat shocked me as I imagined that coming off of a very busy holiday weekend, I would have some astounding words of wisdom or at least a controversial issue to share.  Instead, I find that I am feeling full.  Full from cookies, fudge and candy canes; full from family and friends; full from laughter and full from time with children.  And as I sit here feeling very full and content, I am recognizing that this has not always been the case.  I remember holidays when pressure or upheavals with family or friends left me feeling unhappy, disappointed or anxious.  But not this year!

So what made this year different?  What contributed to the ease and contentment that I feel?  One key factor is that I am truly blessed with lots of friends and a very close immediate and extended family.  Another factor is that I am fortunate to be able to be generous to those I care about.  And I think the last key factor is that I recognize what I can control and choose not to give much energy to that which is out of my control – this has been something I have truly learned over time!  And I think it’s this last factor that probably has made the greatest impact on my holiday success.

In previous years, I think my efforts had been to try to make a “perfect” holiday.  I would focus on the right gifts, the right wrapping, the right food and the right people at the party.  I probably spent so much time “thinking forward” that I missed out on the moments happening around me.  I would be so worn out and tired that by the time the holiday hit I was too exhausted to really take part.  But somehow this year, it was different.  Oh, I still shopped and baked and decorated, I just allowed myself to stay more present in the moment.  I controlled what was happening at that moment versus fretting over what might or might not get done.

To be present in the moment, I had to be in touch with what was happening around me and how I was feeling.  I also needed to maintain a level of flexibility.  If I was running behind schedule, I changed my expectations.   If I planned to bake, but didn’t feel like it, I gave myself permission to do something else on my list.  I continued my workout routine to make sure I felt good and tried to make sure I remained well-rested.   And I must say, somehow it worked.  By the time the holidays hit, what was important on my list had gotten done.  I was ready – well wrapped, well rested and at ease.

Last night I was with a group of working moms who were talking about how hard it is to “get it all done.”   Clearly the holidays add even more items to what seems to be an ever-growing list of things that have to be done.   And though I think they would argue with me, I would dare say that they would feel more at ease and successful if they stayed in the moment and focused their efforts on what is in their control.   Would everything always get done?  No.  Would everything get taken are of that was important at that moment?  Yes.

Staying present in the moment and putting energy into only what you can control, is a skill.  It takes practice and time to master.  This doesn’t mean you don’t set goals or expectations, it just means you adjust that way in which you achieve what in the end is most important.

- Carolyn

Photo courtesy of  Jim Pennucci.

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Resolving to Be a Better Parent

Posted on December 21, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I can hardly believe 2011 is nearly over. I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions. My logic? Why waste the energy on something I know I have reneged on over the past several years. It did occur to me this year that I could resolve to do something that would benefit my children, like be a better parent in 2012! But how?

As I researched on how to demonstrate my best intentions, I found a series of questions on resolutions for parents. I was looking for answers, and here were a few things other parents hoped to accomplish.

Spend more time with my children. Aren’t they with me all of the time already? I drive them to practices, take them to church, to the grocery and on weekends we are doing activities or running errands together. My husband wonders why my car is always trashed.  Maybe because we live in my car!

Treat my children better. How does a mom do that? They have everything they need and a lot of stuff they don’t.

Demonstrate more love and kindness toward my children. More? I am overflowing with love and kindness. Maybe they can implement this one toward me?

Make sure my children are properly educated. Okay, I’m terrible at math and don’t remember my French, but I do help with homework most nights, provide them with trips to the library and have shelves overflowing with books.

It seemed to me after reading these few resolutions that I had already mastered everything about becoming a better parent. But then I read the last question.

“Why is making resolutions as a parent important to you?”

Parenting is ever-evolving and something we will never perfect, and that’s important to remember. We all have different parenting styles and at times it can be trial and error. Just as we are all different and unique, so is each of our children. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and while some days we may not feel appreciated, one day our children will recognize our hard work.

Maybe making a resolution as a parent this year isn’t such a bad idea after all. What’s yours?

- Debbie

Photo by Jonas Seaman.

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