Category Archives: Early Childhood

Social Media – A New Parenting Issue

Posted on December 1, 2011 by | 2 Comments

I love the fact that I can get on Facebook and communicate with my very first college roommate that I haven’t seen in eons. I love that I can share a funny quote or words of encouragement to make someone’s day. But as a parent, the world of social media has led to a new realm of parenting issues. At what age is it okay for children to have their own Facebook account? How much should a parent monitor what is being posted by their child? Should parents accept invites to become Facebook “friends” with a friend of their child?

I often notice when viewing Facebook that some adults and children use social media to flaunt curse words or post inappropriate pictures. And I know it’s easy to get caught up in the writing and sharing but what are they thinking? I dare say they aren’t thinking at all or are not realizing the impact of these words and pictures. Facebook posts can often be a detriment to a career, court appearance, college entrance, or family member. Whether you like it or not, your roommate may not be the only one reading your Facebook posts. It may be a hiring agent looking at your profile to determine your character. It may be a potential client or someone you attend church with. It may be your mother! Imagine finding a profile picture of your 11-year-old kissing an older girl. What are your responsibilities as a parent? If that’s what the public is viewing, what’s happening in private?

And maybe that is part of the problem. With Facebook and other social media, there is often little privacy. Many children do not think through the consequences of sharing with the whole world.

Children aged seven to nine are starting to develop personal opinions and an increasing sense of right and wrong, but that doesn’t mean they are mature enough for a Facebook account. Their reasoning abilities and abstract thinking are still developing.

Moral development is also occurring over time. Parents who take the time to model caring behaviors themselves and discuss issues with children help create an atmosphere for open ended dialogue and a foundation of caring and respect. As a parent I monitor what my children say on Facebook. If I feel it’s inappropriate then I may post a comment to reprimand them “publicly,” or if it’s really inappropriate it gets removed. It may seem picky and minute but I would rather have my children act respectfully and abide by a tried and true principle: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Slide Gurtiza.

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Start a Conversation By Putting Down the Phone

Posted on November 9, 2011 by | 4 Comments

I often wonder what new contraption will be available to my kids five years from now. As it is, I can barely finish texting one reply to my child and I get three new messages!

And it’s not just my kids. I recently witnessed two very young children, maybe only 4 years old, playing with iPhones as they waited for their meals with their family at a restaurant. That seems way too young to me, not to mention my wondering what happened to family talk at the dinner table?

Meaningful human contact is necessary for children’s social and emotional development. Our babies enter the world craving social contact. You can observe this in the way their eyes follow you, the sounds they make and their social smile. When they become toddlers they imitate us as we (hopefully) model appropriate behaviors and emotions. If they don’t get that, how will they ever learn to self-regulate and have any emotional competence? I have seen many a teenager in today’s generation that does not know how to hold a conversation. How will they ever be able to hold down a job?

Dr. Bruce Perry of Early Childhood Today calls self-regulation the “second core strength.” He attests that attentive, caring adults respond to a child’s needs, and their responses provide stimulation that helps the brain develop the capacity to create and maintain healthy emotional relationships.

It’s obvious that phones and computers are a part of life now and that’s not going to change. But how can parents ensure that our kids are getting the nurturing they need in this world of technology? Instead of monitoring the computer, we are going to have to monitor ourselves! It doesn’t mean mom and dad can’t indulge in gadgets, but it does mean we have to be mindful.  Our children are emulating us and we need to practice what we preach. Let your kids see you turn off the computer and read a book. Instead of texting, talk to each other. Make time for family table talk. Endeavor to really communicate with your children and the next time you want to start a conversation, put down the phone.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of horizontal.integration.

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Posted in Dads, Early Childhood, Family, Moms, Parenting, Siblings

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Robots Work for Free

Posted on September 16, 2011 by | Leave a comment

One of the latest GEICO car insurance commercials begins with a sharply dressed mother complaining about the cost of child care, and her choice to use robots to care for her children because they “work for free!” While I admit I laughed when the little girl was squirted in the face as the robot tried to give her a juice box, the parent educator and professional in me says “Whoa!”

Choosing a quality provider isn’t about saving money, but cost is a factor for every family. Cost of care, especially in the current economy, is a huge factor parents face when finding a great match for their child. Infant care in our area typically runs around $190 a week, and that doesn’t take into account centers who go above and beyond our minimum state licensing requirements. Their costs can be higher, but the true “cost” of finding care is in the quality of care provided.

When parents looking for care visit a center or family home provider, I encourage you to do what we learned in grade school: stop, look and listen. Stop and be a child for a moment. Get down on your child’s level. Are there things you can get into that you should not be able to reach? Is the floor clean? Is this an environment you want to be in for eight hours? Do the caregivers smile and look friendly?

Really take a look at the space. Is it bright, colorful and inviting? Are you seeing an environment where your child is going to learn? What activities have the teachers prepared for them? Do they have choices to make throughout the day?

Listen to what the children are saying. Are they enjoying themselves? Are they using indoor voices or are they crying and screaming? How are the teachers conversing with the children? Are they encouraging or berating? Are they nurturing and building relationships with the children?

I am a frugal shopper and love to use coupons and get the freebies as much as anyone else. But when it comes to your most prized possession, your children, don’t settle. Make sure you aren’t going for the “robot care” because it’s free, or letting the cost of care be the only, or even the most important, factor in your decision. When 90 percent of a child’s brain develops before age 5, reflect on what your choice is really going to cost you and your child in the long run.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of Sarah Gilbert.

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Pulling Weeds

Posted on August 30, 2011 by | Leave a comment

My husband is a firm believer in hard work for the whole family. This past Saturday he and I, along with my two reluctant girls, spent what could have been a lazy Saturday in the hot sun doing yard work. Five hours later, itchy, aching and dehydrated, I reflected on what a good day it had actually been. What made it such a great day? Well, not only does our yard look fabulous, but I actually got some quality time with my daughters.

At first all I heard was, “I’m tired!” “I don’t feel good!” “Why do we have to do this?” Once we really got working though, our conversations became meaningful. My youngest followed me around the yard, holding a bag for me to toss the weeds into. We noticed we hadn’t seen the neighbors’ dog and started talking about how much we missed our pooch that died this past June. We talked about where we think dogs go when they die and how even though they may not have a soul, they certainly have personalities and offer us unconditional love. My daughter explained that she liked to think of our Shiloh waiting by Rainbow Bridge, and “walking up to the gates of heaven with me, and playing with our dog Eden and papa’s dog that died.” Without judgment, I let her know what a lovely thought that was. She was confident in expressing herself, and trusted me to respond in kind. Sorting out our feelings and expressing them to each other gave each of us a sense of honor and acceptance. Sharing is therapeutic!

We also talked about the sadness in our home since our eldest decided he didn’t care to live here anymore and the importance of our choices and consequences. It was a good lesson for her to understand that when we make choices, we have to be responsible for them and own the consequences that come with them. It’s a sad thing to think of someone you love making a choice you don’t agree with, but that’s what growing up is all about.

As we continued to pull weeds, I thought about how we have to learn to work with the bad stuff, like weeds, so the good stuff can continue growing.

- Debbie

Photo courtesy of _nezemnaya_.

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Posted in Early Childhood, Family, Family Pets, Siblings

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Giving In to Tantrums

Posted on July 25, 2011 by | Leave a comment

Part of being a parent is dealing with upset children who express their frustration through tantrums, whining or pouting. Often our response to these behaviors depends upon the extent of the tantrum, the location it occurs and how patient we’re feeling. I’ve heard many opinions on the best way to respond, because we’ve all got them! Some experts urge parents to ignore the negative behavior, or risk reinforcing it and increasing the likelihood of your child doing it again. Others contend that children’s behaviors are feelings to be understood, and that we need to respond to our child based upon those feelings. I think it is safe to say, no matter what you believe, that all parents would prefer their child not have tantrums in public!

This past weekend on the big screen at a major league baseball game, a parent and his child became the focal point of this very debate. Broadcasters noticed a young boy in the stands who became upset when he did not catch a foul ball. The little boy was captured pouting on the big screen, pleading with his father and venting his frustration. The broadcasters chimed in with their opinion of the situation: expressing sorrow for his father, chuckling at the extent of the pouting and then trying to fix it by sending over team staff with a baseball for the young boy. With ball in hand, the young boy was then captured on the big screen displaying a huge grin.

The station that aired this episode had plenty to say about how this “should have” been handled: broadcasters agreed unanimously that the young boy should not have been given the baseball because he had acted poorly. By giving him the baseball his negative behavior was being supported and he would learn that pouting would get him what he wanted. This made me wonder what he was really learning. Was it this, or something else?

The young boy was clearly upset. As adults, we may say it is ridiculous to get that upset over a baseball and there are better ways to deal with frustration. However, this is not an adult; this is a young boy expressing his feelings. For him this was a Big Deal. Even so, he did not hit anyone or grab the ball away from the woman who caught it, he pouted and expressed his disappointment. And while feeling this bad, someone noticed and tried to console him by giving him a baseball. So, what did he really learn? Did he learn to get his own way by pouting? Or did he learn that people care when you are upset, that they will try to help you? We can’t know, but we can hope that he will he remember this act of kindness and pay it forward.

- Carolyn

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Hanging on our Every Word

Posted on June 29, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I sometimes wonder if doctors feel more pressure to have children who never miss school due to illness. Or if coaches feel pressure for their children to be the best athletes on the team. And surely teachers’ kids should have the highest grades in school. But them I’m reminded about PKs (preachers’ kids) and know that they’re often not the best behaved in church. Or how in a playful twist on the latter, I referred to my children as DKs (director’s kids) when I was the administrator of a child care center. Everyone there knew that directors’ kids are NOT necessarily perfect child care program advertisements!

As a parent who works in the early childhood field, I am fortunate to be exposed to a wealth of information on child development and best practices for interacting with children. In fact, one of the things I most enjoy about my work is the many opportunities I have to share this knowledge with parents and other professionals. Most often I do this through writing and presenting workshops. I’m a firm believer in the “When people know better they do better” philosophy and love putting people, especially parents, “in the know.”

Recently, while preparing to present a workshop that addresses speaking with children in ways that are respectful, meaningful and developmentally appropriate, I found myself evaluating how well I practice what I preach. I considered an example I give workshop participants: The participant, their husband and another couple are watching a game on TV. During an exciting play, the other husband lurches forward and spills his drink on the carpet. He’s embarrassed and says, “Oh, no! Look what I did to your rug!” As everyone scurries to clean up the mess, the participant tells their friend, “Don’t worry. This carpet has seen a lot worse.”

I’m certain that is how I would react if one of my friends were to spill their drink on the carpet. And I’m pretty sure that’s how I would respond if it were one of my children. Whew! I passed that test.

But I failed one a few weeks ago.

Heading out the door to the pool, I noticed my seven-year-old smearing her excess sunscreen into my cream colored Shabby Chic sofa! Totally exasperated, I asked her, “Have you lost your mind?” Mortified at my response, I could have bitten my tongue out the minute the words were out of my mouth.

The look of shock that passed across my little girl’s face served a dual purpose. It reminded me how powerful my words are. I may as well have struck her. The second was an affirmation that I usually do speak with her in a way that is appropriate. Otherwise, she wouldn’t know the difference.

In that moment, it was blatantly clear that she hangs on my every word. And she needed to hear one – Sorry.

That takes me back to my earlier ponderings. Since I work in a child related field, do I feel more pressure to put it all into practice and parent perfectly? Absolutely. But I’ve learned to cut myself a little slack. We all make mistakes. But it’s to our credit, and our children’s, to learn from them and make a different one each time.

- Tammi

Photo courtesy of Leonid Mamchenkov.

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Is Technology Replacing Parenting?

Posted on March 5, 2011 by | 3 Comments

Photo courtesy of Wesley Fryer

Check out our About the Authors page for an introduction to our new blog authors, Carolyn Brinkmann and Debbie Bruemmer!

I must admit that I am a television watcher and a computer user. I have my certain shows on TV that I truly enjoy watching. These shows make me laugh, are a source of relaxation and oh, how I enjoy the drama of it all! I use my computer almost non-stop at work and truly would be lost without it. Like so many others, I use technology to relax, to connect, to find resources, to organize my thoughts and to distract me from the real world–but when does it go too far? And as parents, are we being replaced by technology?

Parents have a lot of questions about what technology is good for their kids, and what they should avoid. Recently a parent was asking my opinion on the “My Baby Can Read” videos and whether she should use those with her child. Debbie has blogged about these DVDs before, but if you aren’t familiar, they are similar to the “Baby Einstein” videos in that you place your young child in front of the television to absorb information, which is far from the most effective way to help your child develop early language and literacy skills. Giving your child the latest in computer based storybooks, which allow a parent to press a button and let the computer do the reading, instead of sitting down and sharing the experience with their child, is no better.

We know, just by living in our society, that technology has replaced many traditional forms of communicating and relating. More and more adults meet on the internet, we text now instead of talking on the phone and social media seems to be replacing get-togethers with friends and family. Does that mean we would use social media or technology sources to parent our children? What is technology’s potential impact on the parent/child relationship? Is there a difference in using technology to improve our parenting versus using it to replace our interactions with our children? I would say the answer is YES!

Using technology allows us to connect us to parenting resources, and parenting Web sites can be extremely valuable. I don’t know about yours, but the children in my life did not come with an “owners manual,” so being able to access information and connect with parents who are dealing with similar circumstances is helpful. However, I find that I have to use what I learn in the context of my relationship with the children in my life. I cannot simply take what another person says or does and apply it. I have to remember who I am, who my child is, how we communicate and what is important to us. My dad always said that he raised my siblings and I differently, that he tried to figure out what was important to each of us, what we needed as individuals. He built relationships with my siblings and based his parenting style on what he observed.

Though resources and advice can serve as a guide, it cannot replace what you learn as you relate and communicate with your own child. My fear about instructional videos, television shows and technologies that replace parent interactions is that we lose the opportunities to connect to our own children. I get that the world is a hectic place, that time is limited and parents are often pulled in several directions. Using the television or videos to occupy a child while you prepare dinner or drive may seem like it is necessary… but is it? Could those moments be filled with conversations with your child, or finding a way for them to be involved in what is going on?

The relationship a child develops with his or her parent is, by far, the most important relationship in his or her life. This is the relationship by which all other future relationships will be judged and formed. The attachment, safety and confidence built between us and our children will carry them forward into other relationships. Reading to your child, teaching your child and engaging them in conversations about their lives and the world are opportunities that clearly enhance the parent/child relationship. There is so much technology out there to make our lives simpler –  maybe when it comes to parenting we should resist the urge to take the easier way.

- Carolyn

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When Did Play Become About Toys?

Posted on January 14, 2011 by | 2 Comments

“I’m bored!”

“There’s nothing to do!”

I hear this all of the time from my kids, and yet when I suggest that they go outside and play, they never seem to want to. When I think back to my own childhood, playing outside is basically all I remember. We were outside all day until dark or until our parents got home from work, and with no cell phones! I know times were easier, neighbors watched out for each other, and it didn’t seem so scary to let your kids go outside. Although we may think there is a child abductor standing on every corner to grab our children, the number one cause of death for children seems to be automobile accidents, and the facts on child abduction may surprise you.

I recently read an article by Alix Spiegel, “Old Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills,” where he speaks of cultural historian, Chudacoff , who said the word “play” conjures up the idea of “ toys” nowadays, whereas the word used to symbolize “activity.” I was interested, because for me, when I was told to go play I always thought that  meant “go do something.” My kids are content with a DS or an Xbox and call it playing.

When I was a kid, the neighborhood kids would flock to one particular yard to play kick ball or baseball. We would get on our banana-seat bicycles and ride all day long, making our own bike trails, creating obstacle courses. We traipsed through the neighborhood, flying down the hills with no hands, and might have even have had a friend on the handlebars. Sometimes we fell and got scraped up. No biggie. We worked it out. If we wanted a drink we got it from the garden hose, and once in awhile a neighbor would treat us to popsicles.

If we were playing inside, we were using our imagination. My sister and I loved to throw couch cushions on the floor, stepping only on them to avoid the “alligators” in the water (carpet) or quicksand. Barbies allowed us to hold fashion shows, remodel cardboard houses, plan a wedding, or prepare gourmet cinnamon rolls from Brach’s candy toffee! If we were listening to music, we became the singer and actually performed with the hairbrush microphone in hand. And wow, what a great fishing pole you could make from a stick, string, and a paperclip.

Playing and make-believe enabled us to come up with our own rules, create our own boundaries, and according to the experts in the Spiegel article, our private “self speech” led to self-discipline and self-regulation. What happens to kids when they don’t play?  Could that be why we have so many impulsive kids these days?

Play builds not only physical health but mental health, as well. Activity keeps our bodies strong and imagination keeps our brains going. When given the freedom to explore and figure things out for ourselves we are learning how to control ourselves and our responses. Self-regulation helps us develop healthy emotions, language, and social skills. Maybe these studies help confirm the old adage about the child that’s been given a new toy, but shows more interest in playing with the box?

Photo courtesy of docentjoyce.

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‘Tis the Season… for Stress!

Posted on December 14, 2010 by | 1 Comment

4C’s Debbie Bruemmer has a few tips for parents to enjoy the holidays, instead of just stressing out about them!

We were celebrating the holiday a bit early this year since my mom is a snowbird and heads to Florida in the winter. I wasn’t really in the mood to have Christmas so soon: I had barely started shopping!

It had already been a stressful morning of cooking, gathering up last minute presents and making sure the kids were appropriately dressed. I was a bit agitated making sure everything was perfect. My college-aged son who I barely ever see anymore even commented, “So this is what I miss on the days I am not at home?” The five of us piled up in the car, filled the trunk with gifts and food and headed out over the river to grandma’s house.

We pulled out of the drive meeting the first snow of the season, and when we turned on the holiday radio station, SpongeBob started singing, “Don’t be a jerk, it’s Christmas.” We were all soon laughing and howling as we listened to the words and sang along.

Holiday time can easily become a time of stress, especially when young children are involved. My best advice for those of you traveling is to keep it simple.

Delegate. Older children are great at helping in the kitchen, and those cookies don’t have to be homemade. Let them cut the cookie dough off the store bought roll and decorate to their liking. Sometimes “rustic” is better than perfect. They can also wrap gifts or hang some holiday decorations on the tree. This is a great way to keep them involved and give them ownership in the holiday festivities. If they can print or write, they can sign the Christmas cards!

Stick to routine as much as possible. I recall when we lived in Columbus but all of our family was in Cincinnati. My husband made the decision that all of our children were going to sleep in their own beds over the holidays. So, we made three separate trips down to Cincinnati but our children slept in their own beds, had a good night’s sleep and were not so irritated and fussy in the car or at relatives’ homes. Even mom and dad felt more rested. If your child still naps during the day, go ahead and let them have it. Showing up a little late at grandma’s house is better than having a crying and cranky toddler. It will be more enjoyable for all!

Watch the sugar. Offer kids a feast of alternatives to the sugary sweets. Carrot and celery sticks can easily transform into “reindeer food.” Open up a pomegranate and eat the seeds, and let the kids count them first! Cut peanut butter sandwiches into triangles, add pretzel “antlers” and some raisins with a cherry tomato “nose” and you have Rudolph. Make food fun and festive. Even grownup waistlines can benefit from these ideas.

Relax. Create some new traditions. Read a holiday book together. Sit by the fire. Sip on hot cocoa. Light some candles. Wrap up in a warm blanket. Watch the snow fall. Take advantage of those teachable moments. Your family tradition can be anything that your family enjoys doing together.

The holidays don’t have to be all about stressing you out. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. The children don’t have to get all the best toys and latest electronics. The holidays are for making memories, being with family and sharing kindnesses. So this holiday season, take some time to slow down and chill-lax!

Photograph courtesy of Geoanne Millares.

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My Baby Can Read! Really?

Posted on November 16, 2010 by | 1 Comment

Guest blogger Debbie Bruemmer has a few words of wisdom on early literacy and language development, speaking as a parent and a parent counselor!

We hear it all the time: research tells us how very important the first three years of life are for learning and development.  We have month-by-month milestones and chart after chart to tell us if our baby is on target, or even off the charts!  We push our children at an early age so they can have an advantage for grasping knowledge and “getting ahead” for school readiness.  And now we want our babies to READ.

Earlier this month the TODAY show presented its take on the “Your Baby Can Read” program that hundreds of parents and even child care providers have fallen for. The program claims that a baby as young as three months can learn to read, not just memorize and repeat. Why are programs such as these so appealing to parents?  Obviously, we want our children to succeed!  But my heart almost stopped when I had a child care provider tell me she was using this program as part of her curriculum.

Child development experts tend to agree that the brain of a three-month-old infant is just not developed enough to read, that it is not until a child reaches the age of four or five-years-old that actual reading occurs. Literacy begins by exposing children to language at an early age, thus laying the foundation for readers. Talking to and reading aloud to your infant not only allows for a great bonding experience but creates physical responses in baby as you do so. He may not understand the words you are saying but watch his eye movements, a responsive kick or vocalization.  He hears you!  Hearing leads to listening comprehension which is the predecessor to reading comprehension.

Most babies pass through stages taking them from listening and observing to babbling, on to making words and phrases. Typically, at four-months-old a baby recognizes his or her own name and may coo and make noise when spoken to.  Receptive language (ability to understand what is being said or read) develops  between six to twelve months: babies may imitate sounds, respond to his name, and start  combining syllables into word-like sounds.  An infant’s phonemic awareness (understanding that words are made up of sounds that make different words) comes into play at eight to ten months. By eighteen months they may attempt multi-syllable words and speak three-word sentences.

Communicating with your baby evokes so many more emotive responses than plopping them down in front of a DVD.  It also promotes a closeness between the two of you, fostering emotional development, as well.  I can remember when my babies were little.  There was no greater and more comforting feeling than holding that little baby and singing a lullaby or reading “Goodnight Moon” for the umpteenth time.  Not only was it good for baby, it was good for me, too. A relationship was forming.

Having said all that, why do we think if something is costly, endorsed by someone with a degree, or sounds like a quick fix it must be good? Remember, talk is cheap, in fact, it’s free.  But it just might be the biggest investment you can make for your baby.

According to the National Association for the Education of Young Children(NAEYC) and the International Reading Association (IRA), “the single most important activity for building reading success appears to be reading aloud to children.” The journey to reading begins at birth when parents speak their first adoring words to their baby, not when they pull out the first flash card!

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